A Tear for the Vulnerable
by galia-carrot
Summary: A tragic accident on the politically unstable planet Eckankar leaves Trip reeling.Unsure if he can continue with life and successfully raise his daughter on his own he begins to slip into a deep depression,relying largely on Hoshi for help with Elizabeth.Hoshi tries to help raise Elizabeth and convince Trip that he needs to get help and is becoming arisk to himself and his daughter
1. A Lavender Coloured Sky

**Hello! Here I am, back again! It's been sometime since I've been here, and that was due in large part to Finals, health scares with our dog and starting 6 hours of Korean tutoring a week. Anyway I am back with a new story and this has been beta'd by the lovely MeredithBrody who has been extremely helpful in helping me to find my footing on writing Hoshi and starting my first Troshi fic. I would highly recommend checking her work out here or on AO3.**

\- Galia

* * *

 **A Tear for the Vulnerable**

 **One**

 **Lavender Coloured Sky**

Even after six years in deep space Trip is still surprised at just how quickly things can go wrong, how quickly things can go from calm and interesting to complete chaos.

Ekankar is a nice enough planet, the temperature hovering around 14 Celsius as the sun went down over the planet's high mountains. It was just cold enough to make Trip look forward to a nice warm meal when the landing party returns to _Enterprise._ He's walking next to Malcolm, hands in his pockets, talking about the Ekankarians. T'Pol is some 30 feet behind them, scanning various plants she hadn't had time to examine.

"So whaddya think Malcolm?" He asks.

"About what?" Malcolm, who doesn't seem bothered by the slight chill in the air at all, asks.

"About the Ekankarans, think they're gonna destroy each other with all this nasty blood towards the chancellor?" Trip shivers a bit, unaccustomed to the cool air.

"Well, Humans didn't, we made it through the early part of the 21st century without destroying one another." Malcolm remarks.

"We came pretty damn close though." Trip points out.

"Perhaps we had to, maybe some species need to nearly destroy each other before realizing that they can't advance without uniting, or maybe they'll be more like the Klingons." Malcolm suggests.

"The last thing the galaxy needs is more species like the Klingons." Trip grins. "The Coalition doesn't need another warrior species on her door step, Romulans and Klingons keep our hands full enough."

"I suppose we can hope for the best." Malcolm mutters, looking up at the lavender coloured sky to where _Enterprise_ can be seen in orbit. "How are you and T'Pol doing?"

Trip glances back at where T'Pol walks. "Better now that Lizzie's health seems to be okay. Phlox says she'll be pretty sick her whole life though."

"Well she hasn't got an immune system." Malcolm points out. "Is there anything that you can do for her? Even 150 years ago we had ways of helping people with weak immune systems."

"Not really," Trip sighs. "If she was fully human or fully Vulcan it would be pretty simple but since she's half, and the only one who is, there ain't nothing we can do about it. Just keep her safe in the sterile environment of the ship for the most part." His and T'Pol's daughter was a big worry in both of their lives but thus far they seemed to be making things work for her.

"Are you sure they Vulcan's aren't hiding something? It wouldn't be the first time they've kept information from us." Malcolm says.

"They ain't got any reason to." Trip says, with a shrug. "This doesn't affect them any more then it affects us, and even the Vulcan's wouldn't hurt a baby because of some petty 'humans aren't ready' theory." Looking back up at the lavender sky Trip can't help but smile, thinking of his little family always makes him do so.

"What are you so happy about?" Malcolm mutters cynically.

"I've got a family Malcolm. A woman I love, a baby girl, something to live for." He grins. "Ya know T'Pol and I have been thinkin' of havin' another?"

"Elizabeth's a little young for you to be thinking of another baby." Malcolm remarks.

"Well not now, in another year or so, when she's a little older, a bit more stable." He sighs. "Doesn't matter when, just the fact that she's open to it makes me happy enough."

It does, he knew Vulcan's rarely had more than one or sometimes two children but when he'd mentioned wanting three or four T'Pol's answer hadn't been the horrified 'no' he'd been expecting. She had considered the question a moment before giving him a 'we should get Elizabeth healthy first, then we'll talk about more children.', not exactly a 'yes' but it was good enough for him.

For one more moment the lavender world of Ekankar is peaceful and quiet, one final moment of serenity as he turns back to look at T'Pol, then he's thrown into a wall as the world catches fire. There's sickening snap of his leg and a sharp pain in the moment between the flash of orange and the world going dark.

* * *

Hoshi knows something is wrong before the sensors tell them anything, Elizabeth, who had been sleeping peacefully for nearly an hour in a basket at her station, wakes with the most horrifying screaming cry.

"What the hell?!" Captain Archer jumps from his chair. "What happened?"

Hoshi has by now pulled Elizabeth from the basket and is looking her over urgently. "I-I don't know sir! I've never heard her make that sound before!" For that matter she'd never heard _any_ infant make that sound. The entire bridge is staring at her and the screaming baby, resting Elizabeth on her hip she starts towards the turbolift. "I-I'll take her to Phlox something must b-"

"Sir!" Lieutenant Mikhail says from T'Pol's station. "Sir, there's been an explosion in the surface."

"What?" Captain Archer's attention is immediately drawn to Mikhail. "Ensign get that baby out of here." He snaps, rushing over to the Lieutenant's consol. Hoshi rushes towards the turbo lift, the still screaming Elizabeth on her hip. She quickly presses the button for E deck and starts to rock back and forth on her feet.

"Shh," She whispers shakily. "You're alright, you're alright." She's still unsure of what to do to calm Elizabeth, she'd never known Elizabeth to scream like this and if she ever had Commander T'Pol must have been able to calm her fairly quickly.

Hoshi rushes out of the turbo lift and towards T'Pol's quarters, ignoring the looks being given by various crewmen. As she's entering the override code to get in a team from sickbay rushes past her, they don't seem to notice her or the screaming baby and Hoshi pays them little attention.

Entering the quiet room she turns on the lights and sits down on the neatly made bed, if she didn't know the Commander she might think that Trip and Elizabeth didn't live here at all, it's spotless as usual. The only sign that anything has changed is a picture on the night stand, Trip is holding Elizabeth and T'Pol stands stoically next to him, judging by Elizabeth's smaller size it was several months old. Hoshi reaches into the night stand drawer, looking for anything to calm the child, first she produces a note book, the careful records of everything from how long Elizabeth ate for to her daily weight, that wouldn't help her now. Then she produces what appears to be some sort of monster doll _'Trip'_ she thinks, that wouldn't help her either, she sets it on the bed next to the notebook and finally pulls out the IDIC amulet.

Unsure if it will help but if nothing else it may be able to buy her a few quiet moments to think, Hoshi drapes it over the baby, keeping a careful eye on her to ensure she doesn't chew it or choke herself with it. The IDIC seems to quiet Elizabeth's crying slightly, Hoshi lays her on her back on the bed and quietly rubs her stomach, whispering softly to her in Vulcan, unfortunately this doesn't seem to calm the sobbing any more.

Reaching for the note book Hoshi consults it quickly, for the most part it was just times of how long she nursed, slept and bath water temperatures, but finally she found something useful. A small, somewhat uncharacteristically sentimental note about Elizabeth liking to be held next to T'Pol's skin and whispered to sleep. Hoshi stands up and goes to the drawer, the top drawer is uniforms, the second baby clothes but the third is where she finds the brown robe T'Pol could be seen wearing when off duty. She walks back over to Elizabeth and picks her back up, draping the robe over the two of them she continues to whisper softly to her.

It takes so long for Elizabeth to quiet that Hoshi is no longer sure if it was the comfort of her mother's scent on the clothes or exhaustion that finally puts her to sleep, but eventually Hoshi is able to put her back down on the bed. She sets her down on the robe and frowns, do babies this age like to be swaddled? Do Vulcan babies ever like to be swaddled? She'd seen T'Pol keep Elizabeth tightly wrapped against her skin but never swaddled. Since Elizabeth doesn't seem to care either way she decides to just leave her and keeps her eyes on the baby as she goes over to the comm system on the wall.

"Ensign Sato to Captain Archer." She says quietly, as the comm line on the other end clicks on she can hear what sounds of chaos but after a few seconds Captain Archer's voice comes through.

"Yeah Hoshi?" His voice is strained, upset, what ever's going on can't be good.

"I got her to calm down sir, do you want me to return to my station?" She asks, still keeping her voice low and turning the comm down as she speaks.

"No, no you stay there with Elizabeth, I'll call for you when we're ready. Archer out." He's gone before she can ask any more questions.

With a sigh she settles on to a chair next to the bed, it feels wrong to sit on the family bed, as a child she wasn't even allowed in her parent's bedroom after the age of four and no one outside the family ever went in there. Still feeling strange and intrusive she picks up _The Teachings of Surak_ from the night stand, and opens to the first page, it takes a moment for her brain to transition fully to Vulcan but once it does she moves through the book with relative ease.

It's almost an hour later when she looks up next, Elizabeth is still sleeping but she can tells he's beginning to grow restless, hungry if Hoshi had to guess. It was getting late too, nearly 6 o'clock now, T'Pol would've by now fed Elizabeth so Hoshi gets up and begins to poke around for a bottle or some applesauce. After a few minutes she locates a cooler under the bed, and produces a bottle of a yellow substance she can only assume to be Vulcan breast milk, she opens it and frowns, it's got a thin waxy film on the surface. Unsure if it's gone bad or just needs to be heated up Hoshi decides to err on the side of caution – the last thing she needed was Elizabeth getting sick and T'Pol finding out that it was because Hoshi had given her something she found in a cooler under the bed and wasn't even sure was milk.

As she picks her up, Elizabeth's blue eyes open. "Morning Baby Girl Blue Eyes." She whispers, it was Trip's nickname for her, unlike usual Elizabeth just sets her head forlornly on Hoshi's shoulder, looking far too defeated for a child who isn't yet past her first birthday. She's preparing to go to the mess hall to get applesauce when the comm line opens again.

"Archer to Ensign Sato." The Captain's voice is even more defeated than last time.

Tentatively Hoshi presses the call button. "Yes sir?" Her voice is shaky, she can tell what ever she's about to hear it's not good news and Elizabeth's reaction, or lack thereof was starting to make some sense.

"You're going to want to come down to sick bay, bring Elizabeth, Trip'll want to see her when she wakes up." He says solemnly.

"Sir, she hasn't eaten and it's almost her bed time." Hoshi rocks back and forth on her feet gently for a moment.

"Phlox can synthesize some milk for her, just get down here, that's an order." It doesn't _sound_ like an order, it sounds more like a halfhearted plea, which only compels her to move faster as she walks out of the door.

* * *

 **And there we have it, chapter 1. I hope to have another chapter up this weekend but I desperately need to work on Synesthesia as well (I know people are waiting and I'm really sorry).**

 **As usual if you liked it please leave a review, and I'll try to respond to them when I can.**

 **\- Galia**


	2. Hospital Flowers

**Once again this chapter was looked over/beta'd by the lovely MeredithBrody, I highly recommend going to check out her work.**

 **\- Galia**

* * *

 **Hospital Flowers**

 _I survived  
A dreadful accident  
In the car crash of the century  
My shattered hopes  
Collapsed on cold cement  
But in the back of the ambulance  
I never felt so content_

\- **_"Hospital Flowers" by Owl City_**

Everything hurts. Dear god why does everything hurt? He tries to open his eyes but when he does they burn like they're on fire.

"T-T'Pol…" He croaks, his throat feels like he's swallowed glass, he's vaguely aware of people around him, saying things, speaking English.

"Blew up the square…"

"Broken leg…"

"Lucky to be alive…"

Those words are the last he hears as he slips back in to darkness, cool, inviting darkness where nothing hurts.

* * *

When Hoshi arrives in sick bay a frightening calm has settled into the air, Trip and Malcolm lie on bio-beds next to each other, Phlox is removing an intubation tube from Trip's throat and hurriedly covers his leg when he sees Hoshi has entered the room.

"Wh-what happened?" She asks trying to keep her voice calm, bouncing gently as Elizabeth begins to fuss.

"There was an accident on Eckankar." Captain Archer begins. "A radical political group bombed the city square where the landing party was."

"A-are they going to be okay?" Hoshi asks nervously, sparing the two men another nervous glance. "An-and where's T'Pol?"

"Commander Tucker and Lieutenant Reed are going to be fine." Doctor Phlox assures her. "I had to do an emergency surgery on Commander Tucker here, he's sustained a good bit of damage to his leg. I had to put rods in to ensure it will heal properly and he'll likely walk with a limp for the rest of his life but he'll be fine. Lieutenant Reed sustained a concussion and broke an arm but aside from that his injuries were relatively minor."

"And Commander T'Pol?" Hoshi asks again, she doesn't see the ship's XO anywhere in sick bay and a sickening feeling has settled at the bottom of her stomach. She looks from Phlox to the Captain, then down to Elizabeth – if a baby could look shell shocked then Elizabeth certainly does. "Th-that's why she was screaming, wasn't it?"

"If you are referring to the bond between mother and child being severed yes, that is likely why she was screaming." Doctor Phlox whispers sadly.

"T'Pol was much closer to the blast then Trip or Malcolm," Captain Archer explains, Hoshi doesn't think she's ever seen him look this guilty before, his blue eyes are rimmed with tears and he's fighting to keep his voice even. "We've been unable to locate her body, most likely because it was obliterated in the blast."

Hoshi isn't sure what to say, as though she knows what's been said Elizabeth wraps a tiny fist around Hoshi's uniform and lets out a whimper. Hoshi rubs her back and kisses the soft fuzz on the top of her head, she can't imagine what it must be like to be able to feel the death of a parent, to be able to tell when that person isn't going to be there anymore.

She doesn't realize she's been standing, staring quietly at the little girl for some time until Phlox hands her something, she takes it and stares blankly at it. "What's this?"

"The closest I could get to her mother's milk. If she won't take it we'll try something else." Phlox mutters.

Right, it was past Elizabeth's dinner time, Hoshi shifts Elizabeth so she's slightly laid back and puts the bottle in her mouth, Elizabeth takes to the bottle immediately and Hoshi is happy to see her eat. "Wh-what – how… how did we let this happen? I-It was supposed to be safe."

"The government on Eckankar said the terror level wasn't that high, it was supposed to be safe, but they were wrong." Captain Archer says quietly. "I shouldn't have made her go, I was the one who ordered her down there. She – she wanted to stay behind."

"Captain," Doctor Phlox says. "There's nothing you could've done, you couldn't have known. Being guilty won't change anything."

"My orders have left the best science officer I could've asked for dead, a child without a mother and Trip without the woman he loves. No amount of logic can change that I gave the order and a child nearly ended up an orphan." He says. "And there's not even anyone on Vulcan I can notify. Both her parents are dead and she has no siblings."

"She had a husband didn't she? Koss or something?" Hoshi says quietly. "They may have annulled the marriage but he may be willing to make funeral arrangements for her." Her own eyes are filling with tears now, little Elizabeth has fallen back asleep, the now empty bottle hanging out of her mouth.

"I suppose he'll have to do. I'll notify the high command too, they may wish to do something for her." Captain Archer turns from sick bay, leaving Hoshi standing with a sleeping baby and Phlox next to Trip's bed.

"If you'd like I can get the incubator for her to sleep in, you can stay until he wakes. Having someone familiar may help with the shock." Phlox says quietly.

"We'll stay but I'd prefer to hold her." Hoshi says gently, T'Pol would never have approved of her daughter sleeping in an incubator unless she had to. She knew Elizabeth always slept between T'Pol and Trip on the bed, never alone and she didn't intend to uproot Elizabeth anymore then she already had to. "I'm going to go get a change of clothes and some of Elizabeth's things, we'll be right back."

She moves quickly, first changing into a pair of soft pants and a white tank top she usually sleeps in, then she returns to T'Pol's quarter's to gather Elizabeth's things. The quarters have a sad air to them now, T'Pol will never return to them so Hoshi does her best to leave it like she found it. She finds a bag under the bed and puts a few pairs of baby clothes and the package of diapers into it, if she has to she'll take Elizabeth to her quarters for a couple of days and she can't see Trip wanting to return here after he finds out T'Pol is dead. She changes Elizabeth and puts her in the pair of pajamas that only Trip could've purchased, _'I'm what happened in Vegas'_ is written across the front and they're certainly not something T'Pol would've picked out.

At the last minute she decides to wrap Elizabeth in T'Pol's robe, to keep some comfort of her mother close to her. They arrive back in sick bay less than 20 minutes after leaving and Phlox has pulled up a large chair for her to sit in, she leans back against it and sits muttering to Elizabeth quietly in Japanese.

Hoshi doesn't realize she's fallen asleep until she's waking up to Elizabeth's crying. "What?" She mutters, straightening up and looking at Elizabeth, her head is throbbing but she can tell Elizabeth is uncomfortable and the smell tells her why. She sets Elizabeth on the floor and begins to change her.

"T-T'Pol…" She hears from the bed, glancing up at the bed. "T-T'Pol… the… the baby." She fixes Elizabeth's new diaper into place somewhat sloppily – it will probably come back to bite later – and stands up.

"Doctor I think he's waking up." She calls, Phlox appears from around a curtain in the back.

"T'Pol the – the baby, she-she's upset I-I can't –" He's moving one arm like he's trying to reach for Elizabeth and his blue eyes open slowly. They're bloodshot and watery, like it's almost painful to have them open but he looks around. "Eh-Eliza-Elizabeth." He wheezes, his voice scratchy, he looks at Hoshi. "wh-what – where am I?"

"You're in sickbay Commander do you remember what happened?" Doctor Phlox asks, rushing back over to the bed with a scanner.

"W-we were on – on the planet. Wh-why does everything hurt? Wh-what happened to – to T'Pol?" From the pained expression on his face Hoshi is almost certain that he knows what happened to T'Pol, that he could feel her disappearance as acutely as Elizabeth could. Trip tries to push himself up but the Doctor pushes him back down.

"I would strongly advise against that, I'll get you something for the pain but you'll have to stay here." Phlox says sternly.

"Wh-what – Hoshi where's – is she okay?" He asks looking over at Hoshi, who isn't sure who he's asking about, Elizabeth has stopped crying now that she's been changed and is reaching for Trip. "C-can I?" He tries to lift one arm to see her.

"You can let her lay on him but if it's too painful she'll have to be removed." Phlox says, Hoshi lays Elizabeth down across Trips chest and Elizabeth's curls one hand around her father's hospital gown.

"T-T'Pol." He croaks. "I-I want to see T'Pol."

The sickbay doors slide open and Captain Archer steps in. "I-I'm afraid that won't be possible Trip." He says quietly. "There was an attack on the city square, it left you and Malcolm injured, but T'Pol –" His breath hitches as he speaks. "I-it killed T'Pol."

* * *

 **OKay so there we have it, I haven't gotten to Synesthesia because that is going to take a good deal longer then I thought it would but hopefully I'll get it all sorted out this week and have that up. As of current I'm just uploading as I write, so no schedule for the foreseeable future.**

 **If you enjoyed this chapter a review is always appreciated and I will answer any questions I get through PM.**

 **\- Galia**


	3. Uneven Odds

**It has been a long, really sucky month here in Galia land, we ended up loosing our Great Pyrenees, Olaf, on June 30th, we believe he had a brain tumor but he was 10 years old so it wasn't exactly a surprise, Olaf was a rescue dog, pulled off the streets of Seoul after spending 10 years on a chain and he got 8 great months with us, every day was cake. In his memory we've rescued a Border Collie Mix puppy named Lola and have saved and are fostering another Great Pyrenees a puppy who has been spared from the same fate, his name is Beau. So, here we are again, with chapter 3, this time dedicated to Olaf.**

 **\- Galia**

* * *

Three

Uneven Odds

 _You'll always remember the moment God took her away  
For the weight of the world was placed on your shoulders that day_

\- **_"Uneven Odds" by Sleeping at Last_**

Dead. T'Pol is dead. His T'Pol. Gone.

A part of him knows he shouldn't be surprised, since he fully came round there's been a cold emptiness to him, like some part of him he didn't know was there has left him and he's only now realizing he needs it. Besides the blast had been enough to knock him and Malcolm – if Malcolm was still alive that is – out for what had to have been hours and she was more then 20 feet behind them.

Another part wants to deny it, wants it to be proven to him, he wants to find some way they're wrong, that she could still be alive. Some way for it to be okay, that she's just down there with the injured Eckankarans and she'll be contacting the ship telling them she's alive and wanting to see Elizabeth.

Elizabeth, he looks down and she's looking at him from her spot on his chest, if any baby has ever looked mournful and broken its Elizabeth. His blue eyes are full of some distraught sadness, and her fist is curled tightly around the blanket as if she's afraid of letting him go. He rubs her back gently and opens his mouth to say something, but he can't. Words do not come and he instead looks from , to Archer, and finally to Hoshi.

He can feel tears welling in his eyes and he opens his mouth to try to say something but once again he can't find the words. How does he respond? Aside from the sharp pain of loss and the crushing sadness, he's feeling angry. Angry at the Eckankarans for telling them it was perfectly safe when it obviously wasn't. Angry at Archer for ordering T'Pol on this mission even though she had no reason to go and didn't want to. Angry at Phlox for not being able to save her.

"H-How could you let this happen?" He croaks, pulling Elizabeth closer to his chest and trying to sit up in bed, Phlox rushes to push him back down again and pushes a button on the bed. Trip doesn't pay much attention to either and repeats the angry question. "H-how could you let this happen? Y-You said i-it was safe. W-we'd be back by dinner."

Captain Archer looks guiltily at him and then at Elizabeth. "We were told it was safe Trip, the Eckankarans insisted there was no risk of a terror attack."

"TH-they were lying – y-you know that, it ain't the first time someone's lied to us." His voice cracks, and hot, angry tears stream down his face. In his arms Elizabeth begins to squirm and whimper, Hoshi rushes forward to take her but he turns towards her and pulls Elizabeth tighter to him, glaring at Hoshi. "T-T'Pol is dead C-captain. An-and it's your fault."

"C-commander," Hoshi says, the rest of her words are lost on him as he wraps his other arm around Elizabeth and kisses her hair, finally beginning to sob.

"D-dead, she's dead." He mutters rocking back and forth gently and kissing the now crying Elizabeth over and over.

"Trip!" Hoshi says firmly, drawing him momentarily out of the small ball he seems bent on folding into. "T-Trip," her voice tremors, with fear or sadness he can't tell. "T'Pol might be gone but you have your daughter an-and T'Pol would want you to love her, and to raise her right, but right now you need to give her to me, you're holding her too tightly."

Somehow out of the three people around his bed Hoshi is the calmest, Captain Archer has stepped out and Phlox is crying silently. Hoshi makes him look at her and gently works Elizabeth from his grip, he doesn't realize how tightly he'd been holding her until Hoshi was forcing him to let go.

"I-I'll be back in a moment." Phlox mutters. Stepping into a small office off of Sick Bay.

Trip looks up at Elizabeth who is now cuddled close against Hoshi, her big blue eyes blinking silently down at him, her dark mess of hair sticks up, she must've been sleeping recently. At least one of them can, Trip isn't sure he'll ever be able to again.

"Are you okay?" Hoshi asks quietly. "Well I mean – not okay but – but… you know?"

Trip looks up at her, unsure of how to respond, or what to say. After a long minute he says; "I can't do it Hoshi." His voice wavers and he looks down at his hands.

"Can't do what?" Her voice is gentle as she takes a seat on the edge of the bed, Elizabeth has her tank top clutched tightly in her fist and is sucking on her fingers, something she did when she wanted to nurse. The most traumatic day in her short little life and she can't even have her primary source of comfort.

"Can't raise a little girl on my own. A normal little girl. I sure as hell can't raise a half Vulcan kid with enough health problems to write a whole text book on." He mutters, tears starting back down his face. "I-I ain't T'Pol, sh-she always knew exactly what she needed, to bed fed, changed, held, Elizabeth didn't even have to cry and she knew. I could never figure it out, she'd scream and it would still take me 5 minutes to figure out what it is she needed."

"You may not be T'Pol but you're still her father." Hoshi says. "She still needs you and no one said you'd be doing this alone; you have all of us to help you. You have me."

"Hoshi, I can't ask you to do that." He shakes his head and wipes his eyes. "And I can't ask the rest of the crew, she ain't your baby, and she ain't their's. I'd take her to Florida if I could but it wouldn't be safe for her, her physical health or her mental health." Florida wasn't exactly the best place to be a half Vulcan child, people weren't always very accepting of those that were different.

"Good." Hoshi says firmly. "Because I'm not asking, I'm telling you, I am going to help you because Elizabeth needs a father who can take good care of her, and that means having support from other people."

Trip opens his mouth to argue, or to shout but is cut off by a groan from Malcolm's bed, He looks over, Malcolm is starting to come round. Phlox rushes out from the small office, still looking upset.

"Do you want me and Elizabeth to stay the rest of the night with you?" Hoshi asks, her voice gentler now.

"No, take her and go get some sleep, you can sleep in T'Pol and I's quarters or you can take her to yours, I don't give a damn where." He mutters laying back against the pillows and listening to Phlox recount what has happened to Malcolm.

* * *

Hoshi returns only briefly to T'Pol and Trip's quarters, it would feel wrong to sleep there, but she does need some more of Elizabeth's things. She opens a small storage closet and finds the small folding crib that Trip had bought last time they were at space dock. It's practically new as T'Pol had rejected the idea of a rib, stating that no Vulcan child would sleep in a cage.

"Will she even sleep in her crib?" Hoshi wonders aloud as she drags the crib towards her quarters, she's not comfortable sleeping in the bed with Elizabeth, it seems too dangerous in her tiny bed she could be crushed.

Hoshi ignores the looks the night crewmen are giving her as she drags the baby and the crib – neither of which belong to her – across the ship, as no official announcement has been given about T'Pol's death Hoshi can't stop and explain anyway. She stops in front of her quarters, panting as she enters the access code and drags the crib across the threshold.

It's a pretty ridiculous sight, her quarters are smaller then Trip and T'Pol's and the crib takes up most of the space, leaving six inches between it and her bed, and no room to access her desk and she'll have to get creative to open the drawers of the dresser. It will have to do though, something tells her T'Pol would not take to kindly to her child sleeping in a laundry basket.

She decides it's best to leave one light on so she can see Elizabeth, Hoshi crawls into bed and rolls over to face Elizabeth, she's not crying but she's not sleeping either. She's sitting up, her legs making a 'W' as she peers sadly through the mesh at Hoshi, blinking her wide blue eyes. Hoshi closes her eyes, telling herself that Elizabeth will fall asleep eventually and she just has to be strong and ignore her for one night then she'll get it.

Unable to convince herself of this she opens her eyes again and rolls onto her back, frowning up at the ceiling. "What am I doing?" she asks herself quietly. "This is ridiculous, she just lost her mother, she's in a strange new place and with someone she hardly knows and now I'm making her sleep on her own. No, I'm not doing this."

She gets out of bed and reaches down into the crib, Elizabeth reaches her arms up and Hoshi pulls her out. "That's ridiculous, you're sleeping with me." Hoshi says, kissing her hair and laying her down on the bed before getting in herself, this time she turns off the light.

Evidently Elizabeth is satisfied with this idea as she promptly sticks a few of her fingers in her mouth and begins to drool contently. Hoshi pushes herself to the very edge of the bed, and tosses all the pillows into the crib, she'd read something somewhere about pillows suffocating babies and that's the last thing that needs to happen. She tries to settle down to sleep, listening to Elizabeth's suckling noises until they die off as she finally falls asleep.

"You had a big day huh princess?" She coos softly, reaching one hand over to stroke Elizabeth's cheek, the hand that had been in her mouth closes tightly around Hoshi's hand and Hoshi sighs sadly. "And it wasn't even the good kind of big day, but it will get better, I promise it will. Your daddy will be back soon."

At least Hoshi hopes so, she's not sure how long the Doctor will want to keep Trip in sickbay but she hopes it's not for more then a few nights, she doubts she'll be able to sleep much with Elizabeth under her care. For that matter she can't understand why Elizabeth is sleeping so well, sure she's a baby but from what Hoshi understands about Vulcan infants it's that they're quite attached to their parents and often spend several years by their side. Perhaps it's the human in her, because Hoshi certainly can't imagine a fully Vulcan child sleeping after the death of their mother and being taken from their father for the night.

She scoots a little closer so she feels less like she's going to fall off of the bed, she's not really very sure crushing Elizabeth is much of a concern now that she's nearly 24 pounds. As she'd like to minimize the risk – Elizabeth doesn't really need _that_ either – she stays about 6 inches away, continuing to let Elizabeth cling to her finger.

In the dark the soft breathing of Elizabeth and the exhaustion of the day's events eventually cause Hoshi to doze off.

* * *

 **Hopefully the next update will come fairly soon, but honestly given the way the last month has been I can't really promise anything, on the bright side things are looking up so I should be able to get more writing done.**

 **In another news, this chapter is a little shorter then I'd have liked it to be but I ended up moving a few things to the next chapter because they didn't really fit with chapter.**

 **In addition to this Synesthesia is on an indefinite Hiatus, though it is my more read fic I have more inspiration for this fic at the moments. I do plan to get back to that one at some point I'm just not quite sure when that will be.**

 **\- Galia**


	4. Fault Lines

**It's been pretty here the last couple of weeks, with two puppies we've been on near constant vigilance to get them housebroken and to keep the Border Collie from eating every pair of shoes we have.**

 **This chapter was beta'd by the lovely MeredithBrody who was super helpful in getting Jon right, I don't write him very often and she's written him a ton and really well so go check her work out!**

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Tears for the Vulnerable

Chapter 4

Fault Lines

 _Fault lines tremble underneath my glass house.  
But I put it out of my mind  
Long enough to call it courage  
To live without a lifeline._

\- _"Earth" **Sleeping At Last**_

When Trip wakes the next morning there is one blissful second of piece, one second where he rolls over to pick up Elizabeth and slide closer to T'Pol to try and convince her to stay in bed just five more minutes. It's as he rolls over and nearly falls off the bed that the bliss is broken. He opens his eyes and feels the sadness settle back onto his chest, Malcolm is looking over at him nervously.

"What?" He mutters, pushing himself back onto the center of the bed and trying to sit up.

"Nothing," Malcolm says unconvincingly. "You just looked… comfortable."

"I was asleep Malcolm, I was probably comfortable." He grumbles.

"You were sedated." Malcolm says.

Right, sedated, after Elizabeth and Hoshi had left and he'd heard Phlox start talking to Malcolm he'd gone a little… off the rails. From the way his eyes and sinus' felt it was safe to say he'd been sobbing a good deal. "Where's Elizabeth?" He asks

"You sent her with Hoshi." Malcolm mutters, Trip presses the button to call Phlox.

The doctor appears carrying a bio scanner, and looking over him sternly. "Lay back down commander, I need to look at this leg, then we'll get you some breakfast." He says with forced cheerfulness.

"I don't want breakfast." Trip grumbles, laying back down on the bed. "I want to see my daughter, I need to see my daughter."

"You need to eat something, and the Starfleet Investigation team wants so speak with you, then we shall see about getting Elizabeth here." Phlox says, Trip glares at him, not fond of the chastising tone the Doctor has taken on.

"I don't want to talk to them, they can talk to Malcolm." Trip mutters, sitting back up as soon as the scan is over.

"They're going to speak with him as well but they need to speak to you too and you will eat before you do so. Now Crewman Cutler went to all the trouble to get you and Lieutenant Reed some food, so you will eat it." Phlox says firmly, Elizabeth Cutler sets a tray of food and some water on the small side table. Trip picks up the bowl of grits and looks down into it.

How was it that yesterday morning he'd been sitting with T'Pol at breakfast and trying to coax Elizabeth into eating this exact food. He remembers what T'Pol had said to him ' _She'll be fine, she eats plenty of other things.',_ it was true, she did eat plenty of other things, sweet potato, mashed carrots, thickened plomeek broth and she was still nursed by T'Pol several times a day. He'd wanted her to eat grits. They'd been one of his favorite foods as a baby, and he wanted his daughter to like them, which was admittedly a ridiculous reason to try to convince a child to eat anything.

"You're Commander Tucker?" A female voice pulls him from his thoughts, she had dark hair pulled back into a tight bun and her uniform said _Lieutenant Lathom, Starfleet Investigation._

"Yes Ma'am." He mutters, not taking the hand she's holding out. He sets the grits back on the table and sits back against the pillows.

"I'm Lieutenant Lathom, I'm here to talk to you about what happened on Eckankar." She says politely.

"Great." He says dryly, he doesn't want to talk to them and he's hoping if he makes that very clear that she'll leave him alone and ask Malcolm instead. He spares a glance over in Malcolm's direction and sees another Lieutenant talking to him. "So what do you want to know Lieutenant?"

"Well, I'd like to start at the beginning." Lieutenant Lathom starts. "What happened when you arrived on Eckankar?"

"Nothin' too unusual." He grumbles.

"Would you care to elaborate Commander?"

No. He wouldn't care to elaborate and he ensures it's present in his tone when he says: "We walked into the city hall to meet their president or whatever they were and everything went fine until we left."

"Did you notice anything unusual about the behavior of the Eckankarans?" She asks.

"Nope. Not a damn thing, we'd been told there was nothin' to worry about and it didn't seem like there was until we left." He grumbles.

"Okay, so what happened when you left?"

"T'Pol asked for permission to return the next day with a team of scientists to scan the plants in the botanical garden." He mutters.

"And did they agree?"

"Yep, they said we could return the next day and scan all the plants we liked." He reaches for the coffee on the side table and takes a sip of it to try to help the dryness in his throat.

"And as you left?" Her tone has changed slightly as she must realize they're approaching the inevitable question.

"We just said our goodbyes and left, T-T'Pol was taking some scans of some bush or something." He mumbles, his voice shaky and his throat dry as ever.

"Why would she have done that? She was going to come back tomorrow and scan plants." The Lieutenant prods further.

"Th-the bush had these real pretty dark purple flowers, k-kinda big, like a hibiscus or somethin'." He mumbles. "B-but they only bloomed right at sunset, sh-she wanted to scan them an-and I think she took a photo."

"A photo?"

"Th-thought they were pretty, she likes the color purple." He mutters.

"And right before the explosion, where were you and Lieutenant Reed?" She asks.

"B-By these big decorative rocks, th-they had the history of the capital c-carved into em or somethin'." Tears are welling in his eyes now.

"Did you have any indication that anything was about to happen?"

"No. W-we weren't payin' attention, I was tellin' Malcolm about Elizabeth. Sh-she's been doin' so well lately that T-T'Pol and I were thinkin' we might have another." He's crying again now that he's shared this arbitrary bit of information with her.

"Okay now –"

"Leave me alone." He snaps. "I did see anything and we both know it ain't your business to keep pokin' around!" He doesn't really care that it _is_ her business, Starfleet Investigation are just about the only people he hates as much as the press.

"Lieutenant," Phlox says coming out from the office hurriedly. "Lieutenant I'm going to have to ask you to leave, I won't have you upsetting my patient."

"I'm sorry doctor, I just have a few more questions." Lieutenant Lathom says.

"Well they can wait, now get out of my sick bay. You can return in a few hours." Phlox snaps, Trip is for once relieved at Phlox's pushiness, it's spared him from even more upset. "Deep breaths Commander."

Trip gives him a glare too, deep breaths won't help him here. "Leave me alone. When can I get out of here and see my daughter?"

"I'd like to keep you another night, to ensure you're healing properly from your surgery, but if Ensign Sato will stay with you Elizabeth may spend the night here if you wish." Phlox says firmly. "Now eat something and I can get you something for any pain."

Hoshi wakes up sticky and wet, pushing the light back on she sits up and groans. The sloppy job of diapering Elizabeth she'd done last night as Trip woke up _has_ come back to bite, the diaper didn't stay on and there was urine everywhere. Looking at the clock she's relieved to see she has time to strip the bed and shower, Elizabeth is still sleeping so she lifts her gently out of the bed, fixes another diaper on her and sets her in the play pen.

She decides it's best to just wash everything, even the pillow cases, though they were on the floor and are still dry. Pushing everything down the laundry shoot she checks to make sure Elizabeth is still sleeping before she goes to turn on the shower.

As soon as she's undressed and is about to step under the water she hears a cry, putting her robe on she quickly goes into the other room, Elizabeth is stood up against the play pen and is screaming loudly. She lifts her out of the pen and onto her hip.

"Shh, it's okay, you're not alone." She whispers, kissing Elizabeth's hair. The 11 month old clings tightly to Hoshi and cries for another few minutes. After she's calm she puts her fingers in her mouth and Hoshi sets her back in the playpen, _now_ she can shower.

Or not, as soon as she's back in the bathroom the crying starts up again. "Did T'Pol ever leave you alone?" she mutters as she picks Elizabeth up again and sets her on the bed, maybe she can push the playpen into the bathroom. She tries this and it doesn't fit, but Elizabeth is calm again so Hoshi tries for a third time, with the failure of the third attempt she gives up and picks up the laundry basket. She sets it on the floor of the bathroom and puts Elizabeth in it.

This time Elizabeth doesn't make a peep as she steps into the shower and begins to wash, she's grateful for the smell of urine to be off of her but is still mildly annoyed that she can't even shower alone. She'd known Vulcans had taken attachment parenting _very_ seriously but even T'Pol had to bathe didn't she? She tries to reassure herself that this is just a side effect of losing her mother, she's clingy, that's normal right? Surely she wasn't like this all the time.

She puts her bathrobe back on and returns to the main room with Lizzie, after first dressing herself she gives Elizabeth another bottle and dresses her in the dress she'd grabbed last night. It's apparent she was in a hurry because the dress is one of the ugliest things she's ever laid eyes on. It's a blue smock dress with puffed shoulders and a ridiculous strawberry print on it.

"Your daddy picked this out didn't he?" She mutters, running her fingers through Elizabeth's tuft of curly brown hair. She puts a pillow in the bottom of the laundry basket as well as a stuffed puppy that had been in the bag and sets Elizabeth in it to go to breakfast.

By now most of the crew has heard about what happened on Eckankar and many of them stare as she tries to eat breakfast and manage Elizabeth at the same time, though no one offers to help. Elizabeth seems more intent on climbing onto her lap then she does staying in the basket and playing with her puppy so Hoshi resorts to holding her in one arm and trying to finish her eggs with the other. By the time she's headed to the bridge she'd consumed barely half of it but at least it's something.

As she steps on the bridge she stops for a moment Lieutenant Markovna is at T'Pol's station. "What are you doing here?" Hoshi asks, trying to disguise her shock.

"I'm taking over the science controls until we return to earth." The Lieutenant says in a heavy Russian accent.

"Oh, right, well um if you need anything, just ask." Hoshi says politely, setting the basket containing Elizabeth next to her station. "Where's the Captain?"

"He is in the ready room." Lieutenant Markovna says absently. "Has been there all morning."

A seed of worry settles in Hoshi's stomach, he must still be really upset if he hasn't even come onto the bridge yet. She looks at the comm lines and raises her eyebrows, the Captain has one open but it isn't to Starfleet, it's too _Enterprise's_ sister ship, _Columbia._

Jonathan Archer hadn't slept at all that night, he'd laid awake to the sound of Porthos' snoring, and turned the events over and over in his mind, crying on and off and finally, at around 5 in the morning getting up and ordering the helmsman to turn the ship to Vulcan. He'd spoken to Starfleet the night before and had received permission to reroute to Vulcan for a funeral after receiving word that there was nothing left at the scene.

Finally deciding that there was only one person who could help him he'd put in a transmission to the _Columbia_ at 7 o'clock.

"Jonathan," The smiling face of Erika Hernandez says to him. "This is a surprise." She quickly realizes it's not a very pleasant one as her smile fades and is replaced with a look of concern. "Is everything alright?"

"H-have you spoken to Admiral Gardner this morning?" Jonathan says shakily, sipping his coffee.

"No, we just got a transmission telling us to return to earth, I expect he will call though. Why? Has something happened?" Erika's voice is gentle, and her brown eyes study him with worry. He's always been able to trust her, even though it had been a long time since the two of them had dated, they'd always

remained friends and she always knew what to say.

"Th-there was an accident on Eckankar." He breathes. "An ex-explosion. T-T'Pol's dead."

"Oh Jonathan…" Erika breathes, her dark eyes saddening. "I'm so sorry."

"I-It was my fault." He says shakily. "I-I was assured b-by their government that it was safe s-so I made her go on the away mission."

"Jon," Erika says. "What happened?"

"Eckankar has been in a state of political unrest, but I was assured by their government it was resolved, th-that the terror threat was low. T-T'Pol wanted to stay behind, she said Trip and Malcolm could handle it just fine without her b-but I made her go, I wanted her to talk to the Eckankarans about getting a research team to the surface. Sh-she was walking behind Trip and Malcolm wh-when a bomb went off. I-If her last biosign was correct she was 2 feet from the explosion when it happened. Th-there isn't a body." He explains. "It's my fault she's dead."

"Jonathan." Erika says, softly but firmly. "It isn't your fault. Are Trip and Malcolm okay?"

"TH-they're alive, Phlox says Malcolm should fully recover within 6 weeks b-but Trip's leg was pretty badly broken. H-he'll likely have a limp for the rest of his life." He says.

"How's he taking it?" Erika asks.

"As expected, h-he blames me." He mutters. "And I don't blame him, I think he's right, that it's entirely my fault."

"It's not your fault, you were given information that was incorrect, Trip is just mad, he'll come round." Erika assures. "Are you okay?"

"No." He admits. "My XO is dead, she has a baby who will never remember her mom and I don't know that Trip will come back from this one."

"He will, Trip's a strong guy and he loves his daughter." Erika says. "Are you returning to Earth?"

"WE're going to Vulcan first, I have to contact T'Pol's ex-husband about Vulcan funeral rites." He sighs, wiping his eyes and putting his head in his hands. "I should've known Erika, I should've listened, if T'Pol felt going was wrong I should've listen to her because she's rarely openly gone against my orders to send her on an away mission."

"Jon, you can't beat yourself up about this forever." Erika says firmly. "I'll reroute Columbia to Vulcan, we'll be there in a few days."

"You don't have to do that." Jon sighs, he knows Erika has never been overly fond of T'Pol.

"I don't but I want to." She insists. "I have to get to the bridge, but I'll call you when shift ends okay?"

"Sure." He mutters. "Archer out." He turns off the comm line and looks down at Porthos. Pressing the button to look at T'Pol's contact list he looks through them until he finds the frequency on which to contact Koss. Looking at the time in the Vulcan capital of ShiKhar he sighs, it's around noon, he doesn't even have the excuse to wait until Koss wakes up.

The call is almost immediately answered by the round faced Vulcan he'd seen only once previously, when he and T'Pol had gone to Vulcan to look for her mother. "Captain Archer?" If Jon didn't know Vulcan's he'd say Koss was confused. "Is there any reason you're contacting me?"

"It's about T'Pol." He sighs.

"T'Pol? Is everything alright? I haven't spoken to her in nearly 6 months." Koss says, putting his hands behind his back. For an ex-husband he doesn't seem upset by this fact, perhaps he'd wanted out of the marriage as much as she had.

"No sir everything is not all right." Jon says heavily. "There was an accident on a planet called Eckankar. T'Pol was involved."

"Is she alright?" Koss says, perhaps Jon has gotten better at reading Vulcans or maybe he's making it up but he almost senses concern in Koss' voice.

"No, T'Pol is dead."

"Dead? Is her child alright?" He notices that the male Vulcan makes no mention of Trip at all.

"There was an explosion, T'Pol was right next to it, they haven't found a body but there's no way she would've survived, she was much too close to the blast." He says. "Her daughter is fine yes, she was on Enterprise when it happened, her…" What was the word for Trip? "Trip was injured but he's fine too. I'm calling to ask if you would mind making funeral arrangements for her. I know you two are no longer married but she has no surviving family on Vulcan."

"I offer my condolences to both the child and to Commander Tucker." Koss says, well at least he sounds sincere, though in Jon's experience Vulcans are very good at _sounding_ sincere. "I will certainly make funeral arrangements, when will you be arriving at Vulcan?"

"In about a week. Thank you, if there's anything we can do…" he trails off, he's not sure there is anything, Koss and T'Pol aren't married, they don't have any kids and from the sound of it they haven't even spoken since before Elizabeth was discovered.

"Just one thing, I would like to speak to Commander Tucker and if possible come to _Enterprise_ to meet her daughter." Koss says.

"I'm sure we can arrange that, I can patch you through to Commander Tucker now if you like." Jon offers.

"It's fine, I do not wish to bother him if he's still in the hospital, I can wait until the funeral." Koss dismisses the idea.

"Alright, we'll see you in a week. Archer out." He turns off the transmission and takes a deep breath. "Come on Porthos, we should get to the bridge." He stands up and opens the door to the bridge. Instead of going to take the Captain's chair he goes over to Hoshi's station, Elizabeth is sucking on the foot of her stuffed puppy.

"Is everything alright sir?" Hoshi asks, frowning up at him slightly.

"As much as it can be." He sighs. "Can I hold her?"

"Certainly sir, she's a little clingy this morning but she'd probably like to be held." Hoshi says, Jon lifts Elizabeth out of the basket and looks at her, even though she's not quite a year old she looks just like T'Pol. A mop of dark curls that would likely straighten, and her face wears a serious expression he hasn't seen on most babies.

"I'll sit with her for a bit Ensign." He says, taking Elizabeth over to sit in the captain's chair. He hasn't held Elizabeth very much, T'Pol was very wary to let anyone aside from her or Trip hold her when she was around but he knows a thing or two about babies from helping Erika with her infant niece a few years ago. "I'm sorry Elizabeth." He says, setting her on his knee and watching her play with her stuffed puppy, he wonders if she knows. She sure seemed to know. "I'm so sorry."


	5. Never Alone

**So it's been a while, life got in the way, and between dogs (My family fosters dogs and volunteers at the shelter as well), my grandparents coming and general lack of inspiration I stepped away from this story for sometime. I felt it was better that I not write it for a while and come back to it with fresh eyes then try to push through it and produce continuously mediocre work.**

 **Having said that the first half of this chapter was written back in August, and the second half written today, and while I'm not as proud of this chapter as others in this work at this point I'm just proud it got done. I don't think I'll be sticking to an upload schedule for this or anything else.**

 **This is not the only fic I'm writing, I also have Synethesia which is in desperate need of attention, but that fic is going to need to be completely reworked, which involves me, a red pen and a whole lot of time. That is probably going to be taking up a good chunk of my time from now on but Tears for the Vulnerable will at the least get weekly attention, even if it's not updated weekly.**

* * *

Chapter 5

Never Alone

 _When you can't seem to find your way home  
And when life gets too hard  
To face on your own  
I will stand as a light through your darkest unknown  
I will walk with you  
So you're never alone_

\- _Never Alone "Jesse Bonanno"_

"You want to involve _who?"_ Trip growls, his dinner is ignored on the side table next to him, all his attention focused on the object of his anger – Captain Archer.

"Trip," Captain Archer sighs. "T'Pol was a Vulcan, it's only right she have a Vulcan funeral."

"I ain't got a problem with that! I have a problem with him!" Trip snaps.

"She doesn't have any living family, Koss is the closest she's got and he's the only one in any position to organize a funeral." The Captain's voice has that 'I'm trying to reason with you' tone to it and Trip doesn't like it.

"We have Hoshi! That's almost as good as an actual Vulcan!" Trip argues

"No Trip, it's not. Hoshi might know some Vulcan customs but she can't plan a funeral and I don't intend to ask her to." Captain Archer snaps back, Trip is almost relieved to find that he can still snap at him, that the Captain doesn't just see him as some injured puppy. "Koss understands Vulcan tradition, he would know if T'Pol's family has a special ritual or burial place. He can make these arrangements better than anyone else."

"Why does he care anyway?" Trip asks. "He didn't ever give a damn about her."

"Trip, have you ever considered that he cared about her enough to realize how unhappy she was and to give her the annulment? He's making the arrangements, that's final, now I'll leave you to cool down" Before Trip can get another word in the Captain has left sick bay.

"He's got a point you know." Malcolm points out from the other bed. "He did care enough to let her go."

"Shut up Malcolm." Trip grumbles.

"Someone wants to see you." Hoshi's voice calls from across sick bay, she walks in with Elizabeth on her hip. Hoshi looks tired but irritatingly cheerful, she's got several chunks of hair loose from her pony tail – probably from being pulled out by Elizabeth – and a hopeful smile on her face. Trip softens a little at the sight of her and his daughter, he holds out his arms and Elizabeth reaches for him immediately.

"Hey baby girl." He whispers, kissing Elizabeth's head. "Were you a good girl for Ms. Hoshi?"

"Quiet as a mouse on the bridge – well for the most part, she did cry when Travis tried to hold her." Hoshi says, sitting on the edge of the bed, looking him over. Her cheery façade cracks and worry slips into her eyes. "How are you?"

He almost gives her a 'how-the-fuck-do-you-think-i-am' look but it's not fair to her to get mad, she's just as worried as everyone else. "W-we're." He's surprised when his voice breaks and tears well up in his eyes, the anger drained out of him. "W-we're pl-planning her funeral Hoshi. K-Koss is planning her funeral."

"Oh," Hoshi says quietly, reaching for his free hand and giving it a squeeze. "How do you feel about that?"

"I-I hate it." Trip mutters, holding Elizabeth a little closer. "I-I don't want to plan her funeral an-and I really don't want him to plan it. B-But… but the Captain is right." A small, defeated sigh escapes his lips and he leans back in the bed, settling Elizabeth next to him with a paper cup to play with. It provides him with a much needed moment to collect his thoughts and when he looks back up Hoshi is staring at him nervously, like she's afraid he'll explode. She must've been standing outside of sickbay when he was arguing with the Captain. "I-I don't know anything about Vulcan funerals, o-or T'Pol's family traditions with them. W-we never discussed them."

She squeezes his hand again and says. "Maybe you should talk to Koss? You can learn about Vulcan funerals and maybe he'll have some insight on her family traditions."

Trip wasn't really expecting that suggestion; he looks at Hoshi in stunned silence for a moment. "I- why would I do that? The guy probably hates me, less than 8 months after his and T'Pol's divorce I was raising a kid with her."

"Trip," Hoshi says. "No decent person would take that grudge out on the grieving family of the woman in question. Besides, he's Vulcan he probably doesn't hate you, don't expect him to be your biggest fan but I sincerely doubt he hates you. He might even be able to help get some of T'Pol's things from her home on Vulcan if you want them."

"… asking makes it real." He mutters. "A-asking about her funeral means it's really happening. H-Hoshi I woke up this morning and for one moment I felt as if everything was okay, normal, I rolled over to try to get T'Pol to stay in bed another few minutes, like I do every morning. An-and I never want to face the other side of that, i-if I ask I-I'll loose that moment of peace. I-If I plan her funeral with him, I-I'll wake up knowing I'm alone."

"No you won't." Hoshi says sadly. "You're not going to wake up alone, I'm going to be here, and so is Elizabeth."

"H-Hoshi I can't ask –"

"You're not asking and I'm not either. Elizabeth and I are staying here tonight, and every night until you don't need me to." She says firmly. He knows she's right, that he needs someone to stay with him, even if that person isn't the one he really wants.

"Th-thank you." He says quietly, looking back at Elizabeth who was playing with the paper cup.

"Now, we'll be right back, I need to get changed and get Lizzie a bath, then we'll be back for the night." Hoshi says, squeezing his hand one more time and picking up Elizabeth.

Less then ten minutes after Hoshi leaves Marie Lathom wanders back in. "I'm gettin' popular tonight." Trip mutters. "But I ain't answering more questions."

"Calm down, I'm not here to ask questions, I'm here to ask how you're doing." The Lieutenant rolls her eyes.

"Oh, well how do you think?" He mutters. "I'm plannin' my wife's funeral with her ex husband."

"I wasn't aware Commander T'Pol had an ex-husband. I'm sorry that must be very difficult." Marie frowns, sitting on the end of the bed. "How's Elizabeth?"

"Well she ain't screaming." Trip mutters. "But she ain't great either, she knows her Momma's gone and she's upset."

"How does she know?" Marie asks.

"Vulcan families are bonded, she can just tell that her Momma is dead." Trip sighs. "Someday she'll ask why or what happened and I won't know what to say, because her Momma shouldn't be dead. No little girl deserves to have her Momma around more then Elizabeth does, but that ain't gonna happen."

After everything his little girl has been through all he wants is for her to have a normal chance at life, even if the most normal that would get would be living on Jupiter station. Everything had seemed to be lining up to be that normal too, She'd been stable almost a full month, and she'd begun to catch up to her peers in most areas of development. He and T'Pol's relationship had been going so well too, they'd been making it work, fighting less, learning to balance their relationship, a baby and their jobs.

"Trip?" Hoshi pulls him out of his thoughts and he shakes his head to clear it.

"Sorry?" He mutters, looking back over at Marie, who's now bouncing Elizabeth on her knees.

"You okay?" Hoshi asks, sitting on the edge of the bed, she's changed into a tank top and the same pair of pajama pants she was wearing yesterday.

"Yeah I'm alright, Lizzie do good in her bath?" He asks, holding his hands out to take his daughter from Marie, who's standing up to leave. Lizzie's wearing her fuzzy blue onsie with the bunnies on it.

"She was, especially given that I had to fill an empty bin to bathe her." Hoshi chuckles, stroking back some of Lizzie's wild hair. "I didn't even attempt with the hair, just dried it off and called it good."

"She gets the wild hair from her daddy." Trip mutters, holding Lizzie against him and kissing her hair. "Maybe we can try out a bow for tomorrow huh?"

* * *

When Hoshi wakes at two in the morning she expects it to be Elizabeth that's crying, but in the bed on the other side of the incubator where Elizabeth sleeps soundly she can make out Trip, sniffling and crying as quietly as he can. She pushes her hair out of the way and sits up, going quietly around the incubator. She doesn't say anything but puts her arms around Trip and pulls him close against her chest where he finally starts to sob.

She stands like that for at least 10 minutes, and by the time he sits up there's a large wet patch on her tank top from the tears. She sits on the edge of his bed and looks at him sadly, he takes a few deep breaths and locks his blue eyes on her brown ones.

"I-I can't do it Hoshi." He whimpers shaking his head. "I'm not enough."

"Not enough for what?" She whispers sadly, ignoring the whimpers from the incubator behind her, Elizabeth will be fine for the moment.

"Not enough for Elizabeth." He mutters. "Wh-what if I can't do it?"

"Trip," Hoshi's own voice cracks, she can't believe she's hearing him say this. "Trip you can do it."

"Hoshi I'm alone, with a kid wh-who may or may not be ill for the rest of her life. Wh-what if -what if I mess her up o-or I hurt her." He looks very small and fearful in the bed, not at all like the nearly six foot man who can fill a room with happiness just by walking in it.

"D-do you think you'll hurt her?" Hoshi asks quietly.

"N-no." He says. "B-But what if something happens without my meaning it too? Like she falls of off something and dies, or – or eats a food she's allergic too. I could never keep all of those straight, T-T'Pol could."

"We can get guard rails for the bed, my little brother had some when he was little, that way she can't fall off." She reaches for her hand and strokes her thumb over the back of it. "An-and we can make a list of everything she's allergic too, and of all the other things she'll need. You're not alone Trip, you're never alone, I never want you to feel like you are. I can help you Trip, but never think you're not enough, you're her father, an-and the fact that you're this worried about doing a good job means you'll be enough."

"Hoshi, w-will you really d-do that for us? F-for me? You don't have to." Trip mumbles, still wiping his eyes.

"Of course I will," She frowns. "I don't know who you think I am but I'm not going to leave one of my best friends on their own with a baby. An-and I don't think Malcolm will either, or Travis, o-or the captain. You have us Trip."

"Y-you don't know what that means Hoshi." Trip mutters, leaning against her again. "You can't know what that means. T-To me or to Elizabeth."

Hoshi offers a small smile, she'd learned years ago that no one on this ship was alone, if you didn't have a family the crew became that family. No one here was going to let that stop now, not when the family was needed more then ever. "You're never alone Trip, never, don't ever think that you are. And if you can't talk to me or you don't want to that's okay, I understand but promise me you'll talk to someone?"

Trip nods but doesn't answer and Hoshi only half believes him, she makes a mental note to tell Phlox to make sure he gets some sort of help, he needs it – even if he doesn't think he does. From behind her the tiny whimper turns into a cry and she turns to get Elizabeth. "I'll get her."

"N-No." Trip shakes his head. "B-bring her here please, I-I want to do it… I've hardly seen her since the attack."

She doesn't argue it, and brings Elizabeth over to her father and hands him a fresh diaper. "I'll go get her a bottle."

She goes around to the replicator on the other side of sickbay almost warily, she's hardly put Elizabeth down in the last 24 hours and is thankful for just a few minute by herself.

"Do you know when you're getting released?" She asks when she's returned, handing Trip the bottle and watching him adjust Elizabeth on his lap to be fed.

"Tomorrow morning if I'm lucky, though Phlox wants me off duty for another six weeks, until my leg is healed up. At least officially anyway, I can't stay out of engineering that long." He says, rocking gently as Elizabeth hungrily sucks down the bottle.

"I'm sure Lieutenant Hess can handle things just fine." Hoshi says, seating herself back on the edge of the bed.

"I know she can, but I'm not comfortable leaving the engine for that long. Besides, working will keep my mind off of things. At least for a while." He mutters. "I need to rig something so she can stay in engineering during the day anyway."

"She can always stay with me." Hoshi says, stroking Elizabeth's hair as she eats nosily, making sloppy suckling noises like a piglet. "She's a noisy eater."

"Yeah she is," Trip chuckles. "Also something she gets from me. Freaked T'Pol out at first, thought she couldn't breathe while she was nursing, Phlox ran half a dozen tests before determining that she was just a noisy eater."

That didn't surprise Hoshi, T'Pol was an even more paranoid parent then Trip was, probably due to something she'd confessed to Hoshi about a month after Elizabeth's arrival. She'd never wanted to be a mother and hadn't thought she'd be very good at it, of course you'd have to have been blind to call T'Pol anything but a good mother.

"That's cute, I bet you were a chubby baby too weren't you?" Hoshi chuckles.

"The chubbiest, I had these rolls on my arms and legs until I was almost two." He yawns. "It was damn cute."

"I bet it was." Hoshi smiles, watching Elizabeth fall back asleep in her father's arms. "We should both try to get some sleep."

What every brief flicker of happiness had been present fades quickly as he holds Elizabeth out. "Yeah you're right, you should probably put her back now…"

Hoshi puts the sleeping baby back in the incubator and climbs back into bed herself, through the clear plastic of the incubator she see's Trip roll over and let out a deep breath. She falls asleep watching him, making sure he's not crying alone again.


	6. These Fires of Hell

**Here we are with Chapter 6, now I plan to update this story weekly during the month of October but come November I will be putting the fic on hiatus until the first week of December. I am doing this because I have decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year and will be rewriting Synesthesia during November. Aside from that there aren't any major changes, both this story and Synesthesia should start posting again in December.**

 **I struggled somewhat with this chapter, for some reason I just kind of had to power through it, it's a bit of a filler because i needed to get through the conversation with Koss so we can move more towards the funeral in a couple of chapters.**

* * *

These Fires of Hell

 _As your guardian I was instructed well  
To make sense of God's love in these fires of hell  
No I don't expect you to understand  
Just to live what little life your broken heart can_

\- _"Uneven Odds" Sleeping At Last_

The next afternoon Trip is released from sickbay, Phlox gives him strict orders not to strain himself, a pair of crutches and an appointment to return to the next day. Hoshi has been given an hour off to see to it that Trip gets moved back to his quarters and now walks nervously next to him as he attempts to navigate the crutches.

"Ya know, I've had a lot of broken bones." He pants, moving along the hallway at an agonizingly slow pace. "But none of them ever involved surgery or crutches." It's his attempt to get her to have a conversation with him, an actual conversation, they've hardly spoken since last night when he'd sobbed into her stomach for 10 solid minutes.

"A lot of broken bones huh?" Hoshi muses as she stands with one arm out, probably to catch him if he falls. Were he to fall he's probably too heavy for her to hold up, but if it makes her feel better he'll allow her to spot him. "You know that doesn't even surprise me a little bit."

"Arms and toes for the most part, broke my nose once but never anything that required anything more then a cast." He mutters, taking another nervous step on the crutches, he feels like he's getting a little better. Glancing over at Hoshi he notices her expression still hasn't changed from the slightly nervous one she's been wearing since she came to sick bay that afternoon. "Whats wrong?"

"Can you do this Trip?" Hoshi asks quietly, the façade she'd been doing a rather poor job of holding up finally falling as she looks him up and down again, her face clouded with worry.

"Do what?" He asks, though he's pretty sure he knows where she's going with this.

"Y-You haven't been back to your quarters since the morning of the accident. Are you sure you don't want me to grab a few things an-and move them to your new quarters?" Her dark eyes search his face sadly.

He takes another step and frowns. "Yeah, I'm sure. I-I have to do it Hoshi, you don't know what we need."

"Trip, you can make a list. An-and I won't say whats on that list, it can be just between us if you want it kept private." She assures, following him as he takes another few clumsy steps.

"I want to do it Hoshi. I want t-to take some of her st-stuff." He mutters shakily, blinking back the tears that are welling up in his eyes. He doesn't intend to completely go through everything today, he's not ready to do that, but he wants to get some of her things to keep with him, and for Elizabeth to keep with her.

The approach the quarters and Hoshi enters the access code, it takes him several minutes to get into the room but when he does he sinks down on the bed. Aside from the closet door and a drawer having been left open when Hoshi came to get Elizabeth's stuff the room is exactly the same as it had been when he and T'Pol left that fateful morning. It's only been two days, but it feels like a lifetime has passed.

That morning had been so normal, he woke up to T'Pol getting up to shower, had gotten out of bed when she got out of the shower and dressed the baby and himself, all while discussing what to do for Elizabeth's first birthday. T'Pol thought birthday parties were ridiculous to begin with, but ones for babies seemed completely pointless. Trip had been trying to convince her that not only were they human tradition but it was pretty damn amazing that Elizabeth had made it this far.

Then they'd been a bit late to breakfast so T'Pol could nurse Elizabeth – and act which she wasn't exactly comfortable doing in the middle of breakfast with the Captain, so she'd sat in the rocking chair to do it. The rocking chair had been purchased when they were last at earth a few months ago T'Pol had called it a ridiculous purchase, it barely fit in their quarters and she was perfectly comfortable nursing on the meditation mat, but Trip was glad they had it, and T'Pol did use it a lot.

Trip sinks down on the bed and takes it all in for a minute, he hears the door close behind Hoshi and feels her sit down next to him. "Do you want a minute?" She asks quietly.

"N-No." He shakes his head, only half aware of the tears rolling down his face. "N-No, l-lets just hurry." He uses the crutches to push himself up and goes over to the drawers, he pulls one of the deep blue uniforms out of her drawer and tosses it in the box on the floor. From another drawer he pulls a set of her robes and puts them in the box too, and then one of the few civilian shirts she owned, the purple one she'd been so fond of.

He makes his way shakily back to the bed and pulls everything out of her night stand drawer, a small book, a pen and the notebook tracking all of Elizabeth's feedings, baths and diaper changes. "Wh-where's the IDIC?" He looks back at Hoshi. "Sh-she always left it here. Wh-where did it go?" His voice is shaky and he's struggling to keep from sobbing.

"It's in my quarters, I hung it outside the play pen for Elizabeth. I'll bring it as soon as we get this stuff to your new quarters" Hoshi says quickly, relief washes through him and he nods.

"O-Okay, thanks." He mutters, looking at the small box Hoshi holds, he pulls the picture of the nightstand and sets it on the top. "Th-that's all for today I think…" He mumbles, he can't be here much longer or he'll turn into a sobbing mess again and he didn't want to burden Hoshi with that after last night

Hoshi nods and presses the button to open the door, he takes one last look around the quarters and then shuffles out as quickly as he can on the crutches.

* * *

After settling Trip into his new quarters Hoshi returns to her station and takes Elizabeth from where she's been in her basket next to Travis' station, the helmsman seems almost relieved, Elizabeth still doesn't seem to like him very much. The rest of the day half of Hoshi's mind is preoccupied with worry over Trip, she's going to ask if he wants her to stay again tonight, how else is he supposed to handle a baby with a broken leg?

She leaves her station hurriedly as soon as her shift is over, Elizabeth carried neatly on her hip. "What do you say we bring your daddy some dinner?" Elizabeth makes a quiet cooing sound. "Yeah I think that's a good idea too."

Hoshi goes into the mess hall and picks up two sandwiches and thermos of coffee. She wraps the thermos in one of the blankets in the basket so it doesn't burn Elizabeth and sets it next to her, she places the boxed sandwiches on her lap. "You hold these, we'll be there soon."

She walks quickly to Trip's new quarters, they were right next to the engineering bay, the same ones he'd had before moving in with T'Pol and Elizabeth, she opens the door and spots him on the bed. The crib has been set up right next to it, and it's been taken off it's legs so he can reach down to get Elizabeth from the bed. Aside from the picture he'd moved from the night stand in the other quarters these new ones are undecorated.

"I brought dinner." Hoshi says quietly, setting the basket on the floor and pulling out the boxes, she hands one to Trip and sets the other on his desk. After moving Elizabeth from the basket into the crib and tossing a few of her stuffed toys in with her she sits on the bed next to Trip. "You okay?"

"Thanks for the dinner, and I guess I'm okay." He mutters, taking a few bites of the sandwich and running a hand over his face and opening the sandwich box. "I-I just miss her Hoshi… An-and now I have to call Koss to talk about this goddamned funeral."

The brokenness in his voice breaks her heart. "Do you want me to stay with you tonight? I can help with Lizzie."

He shakes his head. "N-No, I think we'll be okay. I just – I don't want to call him. I-I don't want to have this conversation Hoshi. I-I should be eating dinner with her an-and talking about our day an-and trying to get Elizabeth to eat new solid food an-and… and together." He looks down at the sandwich and puts it down.

This never should've happened, Trip should have his wife and Elizabeth her mother and the ship her first officer. Hoshi knows no one feels the loss quite as acutely as Trip and she can't even begin to imagine what this must feel like, so she does all she can do, put an arm around him and hug him tightly. "I know. I know, but you can do this, you have to do this for Elizabeth. Are you sure you don't want me to stay tonight?"

He nods against her and sits up, putting the half eaten sandwich on the night stand and leaning back against the wall. He finishes the cup of coffee she poured him in silence and she eats the remaining half of his sandwich quietly.

"I'll be alright." He says quietly, Hoshi looks at him and frowns. "I'll be alright tonight."

Hoshi isn't so sure, it sounds more like he's trying to convince himself of that fact then her but she nods and gets up. "Okay, if you need anything, just call me. Promise me you'll call me." She waits until she gets a nod in response and leaves the room.

* * *

Trip feeds Elizabeth a bottle, changes her diaper and puts her to bed before he finally sits down at the computer in his quarters. The contact for Koss is written on a slip of paper sitting in front of it, he picks it up and silently inputs the frequency.

Koss must have been waiting for the call because he answers fairly quickly. "Commander Tucker."

"Uh, hi." He mutters, taking a deep breath. "I take it Captain Archer told ya I was gonna be calling?"

"Yes he did, you and Elizabeth both have my deepest condolences. The loss of one's mate is very painful." If he'd been anything other than a Vulcan Trip would've sworn he sounded sorry.

"Th-thank you it's been…" Trip stops, and swallows, he's determined not to cry in front of Koss. "I just can't believe she gone."

"She was a wonderful woman, and mother I'm sure." Koss says quietly

"She was a perfect mother." Trip mutters. "L-Loved Elizabeth more then anything in the world, w-we were doin' great. No offense but I never wanted to see you again, and I sure as hell didn't want it to be for this."

Koss simply raises an eyebrow, either he doesn't take offense or he doesn't feel the need to comment on it, Trip doesn't really care which. "Captain Archer said you were calling because you wanted to discuss funeral arrangements."

"Want is a bit of a strong word." Trip mutters. "But yeah, I-I don't know shit about Vulcan funerals an-and both her parents are dead. Sh-she's got no one else. I-I thought y'all knew eachother a long time, you might know."

"63 years, we knew each other 63 years." Koss says quietly. "Vulcan funerals are fairly straight forward, her mother's family has a grave site in the Gol province, I can contact the provincial funeral official and have arrangements made if you like."

"Y-Yeah I think that'd be best." His voice is still shaky. "H-how far is the Gol Province?"

"Not far from ShiKar." Koss assures. "If you'd like I can contact the provincial officer here, her will should be on file, I assume she's left most of it to Elizabeth."

"No, no that's fine, Sh-she and I made a will when Elizabeth came around, Starfleet has it on file." He mutters. "I'll let you get back to your evenin'"

"One more thing Commander Tucker, if possible I would like to meet Elizabeth, I knew T'Pol a very long time and would like to have the opportunity to know her child." Koss requests, Trip frowns a bit, Koss doesn't have much reason to meet Elizabeth, but he can't think of any reason not to.

"I-I'll see if I can arrange for you to come up and meet her, sh-she can't leave Enterprise so she won't – won't be at the funeral. G-goodnight, and- and thanks for doin' this." Trip says heavily, any anger he'd been harboring towards the man now washed out of him, leaving only a bitter taste and the crushing weight of the grief he was left with. At least he doesn't have to plan her funeral himself, he's now sure if he were to do that he'd be unable to go on.


	7. Till the Glass or My Fever Breaks

**Here we are with Chapter 7, it's been a bit of a long week here so getting to sit down and write and edit this chapter felt great!**

* * *

Chapter 7

" _Show me_

 _Where to find the silver lining_

 _As the mercury keeps rising_

 _'til the glass or my fever breaks"_

\- _"Son" **Atlas: Year Two** Sleeping At Last_

Trip doesn't really sleep that night, he dozes in 45 minute increments but before he can get into a good sleep his body is jerked awake again. It's not really anything that new, in the last 2 years since the Xindi attack he hadn't slept very well, even with neuropressure. The best thing for it had been sleeping next to T'Pol every night, even with a baby he got better sleep then with her in bed. Now he was certain he'd never sleep again.

Elizabeth woke around midnight to be changed and after that he put her in the bed next to him, Lizzie didn't seem to be sleeping particularly well either. She didn't like to sleep alone anymore then he did. "At least one of us should get some sleep baby girl." He mutters, stroking back her hair and yawning, he closes his eyes and starts to doze again, being jerked out of this doze at around 2 am, again by Lizzie.

"You gettin' hungry baby girl?" Trip yawns, he sits up carefully and reaches for the bottle from the cooler next to the bed. He places it in the crook of his neck to start warming up and pulls Lizzie over to him, her tiny hand curls around his t-shirt as she whimpers and cries up at him. "I know; I know you're hungry."

Deciding the bottle is warm enough he leans Lizzie back and holds it for her, she takes it between her lips and scowls at him. "Not really the same thing as with your Momma is it? Yeah Miss Hoshi mentioned you weren't real keen on bottles, but this is what we got for now." He rocks gently as she finally begins to eat from the bottle.

He blinks back tears and wipes a drop of milk from her cheek, she deserved her Momma, he couldn't think of anyone who did more. He wants to know what Starfleet is going to do about the Eckankarans, he wants them to pay for what they did, be it them being barred from the Coalition or loosing trade deals with the Coalition. He wants them to have to one day look at his little girl and explain to her what happened with her Momma and why they did nothing to prevent it.

Lizzie reaches a hand up and touches his cheek, he holds her hand and kisses the back of it, he appreciates what she's trying to do but he's not a touch telepath. T'Pol used to communicate with their daughter through touch but try as he might he'd never really been able to, and as Lizzie still showed no signs of talking she'd relied heavily on this form of communication. What losing this form of communication has done to her psyche he doesn't know but he hopes and prays nothing too damaging has been done, she's been through enough. He rocks back and forth gently and sobs quietly, the now empty bottle having fallen to the floor, Elizabeth clutched tightly in his arms and it's not long before they're both crying.

He loosens his grip, kisses her hair and lays her back on the bed, she needs to calm down and he does too. He's probably making it worse he thinks as he lays next to her, rubbing her belly gently, and crying. Her 'daddy's favorite Vulcan' onsie – a gift from Malcolm – is stretched over her crying form. "G-gettin' big huh baby girl?" He mutters, trying to calm her with his voice. "Y-You'll need new clothes soon won't you?"

Over the next few minutes of him rubbing and whispering her sobs calm and the rise and fall of her chest slows as she slips into sleep. It's close to 3 am now but he's not getting back to sleep, he knows these nights too well. He pushes himself back up and grabs the crutches that lean against the night stand, he knows who he wants to talk to.

He limps over to the desk and sits down at the chair, 7 am in Florida, his brother should be up by now. He punches in the code to call his brother and waits while it rings, it's not his brother but his brother-in-law, Miguel, who answers.

"Charley?" Miguel says, frowning when he gets a look at the look on Trip's face. Trip scowls, he hates to be called Charley and his mother and brother-in-law are just about the only people in the world who call him that.

"Can I talk to Al?" He asks, resting his head in his hand. "It's kinda important.

"Hang on. Albert! It's Charley!" Miguel calls somewhere off screen. "He'll be here in a minute, he's out in the yard with the girls."

It hadn't occurred to him that his two nieces might be home today, they usually spent weekends with his parents. "The girls are home? Thought they spent weekends with Momma and Daddy?"

Miguel frowns. "They do, it's Monday. You okay Charley?"

"Dandy thanks for asking." He mutters dryly. "I can call back if you'd like."

"I'm right here." The voice of his older brother chuckles, stepping into frame, his face falls considerably seeing the state of Trip. "You okay Trip?"

"N-Not really. I-I don't know if Starfleet told y'all about T'Pol…" He mutters, wiping his eyes.

"We ain't got anything, maybe Momma and Daddy did, what happened? Did y'all have a fight?" Trip almost rolls his eyes, Starfleet would never notify anyone for a lovers quarrel.

"N-No. Sh-she's dead Al." He says, wiping his eyes.

"Dead?! What happened?" Albert seems stunned. "Momma and Daddy didn't mention anything like that."

"W-we were down on an away mission. Th-there was an explosion and- and she got caught up in it." He whimpers, wiping his eyes again.

"An explosion? Are you okay Kiddo? You hurt?" His brothers concern is very evident in his voice.

"B-broken leg, but a-at least I'm alive. E-Elizabeth lost her Momma Al… I-I don't – I don't know what to do." He runs a hand over his face and sighs.

"Are you comin' back to Earth?" Albert asks. "We're here if you need anythin', you know that right?"

Trip shakes his head. "C-can't come back to earth. Lizzie can't leave Enterprise, she's too sick. Even if we could I think takin' her t-to Florida for anything longer then a weekend would be a bad idea." As much as he loved his family and his home they were both more xenophobic then he was comfortable with, he didn't want his daughter exposed to some of the anti-vulcan attitudes held by his own family. Al had been the most accepting and he'd opposed their marriage.

"Is there anything we can do from here?" Albert asks, his blue eyes studying Trip carefully.

Trip nods. "Y-Yeah, her funeral's on Vulcan. I-I'd like if you and Miguel and maybe Momma and Daddy can come. I-I can get you information, find transport, a place to stay."

Albert frowns. "I don't know about that Trip, I don't think I want the girls to go to Vulcan."

"Really?" Trip says. "Y-you wouldn't come to my wedding and now you won't even come to her funeral. Sh-she's dead Al, dead, but you don't want to get past your xenophobia to come to her funeral. Alright, fine. Night."

He pushes the cancel button and sits back in the chair, collapsing into sobs again.

* * *

Hoshi enters Trip's quarters at 7am to find him stretched out on the bed, his eyes puffy and red, he's been up all night from the looks of it. She taps on the side of the bed and he looks up at her.

"Oh, hi Hoshi." He mumbles motioning her to come sit on the bed.

"Hey, rough night?" She asks, picking up Elizabeth and kissing her hair, which sticks up in every direction from a night of sleep.

"Yeah. I called my brother and um, he and my brother-in-law won't come to the funeral." He says shakily. "Th-they don't want their kids on Vulcan."

Hoshi frowns, she knew his family was a bit xenophobic but she'd never been given the impression they were the types to refuse to go to a funeral for their son's wife. "I'm so sorry Trip. Did you talk to your parents?"

He shakes his head. "I-I didn't even bother, I'm sure they've been notified by now, they're listed as both of our contacts. Th-they haven't bothered to call o-or write or check in or anything. S-so what brings you here?"

She frowns at the change of subject but decides not to push it, if he doesn't want to talk he doesn't have to talk. "Well you can't exactly get both you and Lizzie to breakfast, I just came to help out. We're supposed to meet the Captain in 20 minutes."

"Dandy." He mutters, sitting up and running a hand over his hair. "You mind getting Lizzie changed?"

"No, you get yourself ready. I can handle her." She says, forcing a smile and putting Lizzie on her hip. "What do you want to wear today?" She says, poking the one-year-old in the stomach playfully. "How about something pink? You like pink?"

She pushes open the top drawer and spots a pair of pink tights. "How about these huh? With this dress?" The dress she pulls out is a pale pink smock dress, probably a gift from Trip's mother.

Hoshi lays Elizabeth on the bed and pulls the pajama pants off, Elizabeth makes a grab for her pony tail as she bends down to try to unsnap the bottom of the onsie. "No, no, baby girl, that is not a toy." She chuckles, changing the diaper and pulling the tights on. "Miss Hoshi's hair is not for playing with."

"She begs to differ." Trip's voice says from the bathroom door way, he's somehow managed to get his uniform on over his cast and is now standing in the doorway, watching them. "Baby girl loves to play with hair, tugs on her Momma's whenever she can get to it."

"Ready?" she asks, putting Elizabeth on her hip and handing her the stuffed puppy from the play pen to distract from the pips of her uniform.

"Y-yep." Trip mutters, going over to the door and pressing the open button. "Ladies first."

There's no doubt the tone on Enterprise has changed dramatically, now that most of the ship is past the initial shock of losing the first officer some sort of stunned silence has come over the crew, not unlike the atmosphere following the Xindi attack. As they walk through the mess hall there's less joking and laughter and more quiet whispers and sad faces. More than a few people watch them as they make their way slowly to the Captain's mess, Travis, Malcolm and Marie are sitting together and pause their conversation to start to offer a seat, Hoshi gives them a small shake of the head and motions to the Captain's mess.

She gets the door to the Captain's mess and can almost see the relief on Trip's face as the door slides shut behind them.

"Hoshi, Trip, good morning." Captain Archer says, forcing a smile, Trip gives him a 'cut-the-crap' look and the façade gives way to a somber look. From the look of things Trip wasn't the only one who'd had a rough night last night.

"Morning sir." Hoshi says, setting Elizabeth on Trip's lap and taking a seat across from him, he stares at her a moment and she shifts uncomfortably, this must've been where T'Pol sat. Hoshi had only eaten in the Captain's Mess a couple of times and rarely had the first officer been present when she did so.

"I won't bother asking how you slept, but you should know Starfleet has notified your family, they were listed as her next of kin after you and Elizabeth." Captain Archer says softly, watching Trip carefully

"Yeah I know." Trip mutters, stabbing his fork into a piece of sausage. "I talked to my brother."

"Will they be coming to the funeral?" Captain Archer asks, pouring them each a cup of coffee.

"No. They won't, neither will my brother's family." Trip says shortly.

"Okay." Captain Archer mutters, taking a bite of eggs and wiping his mouth, obviously having decided not to comment on it, which is probably a good idea. "I wanted to ask you if it would be alright to extend the funeral invitations to the rest of the crew."

"Why?" Trip mutters.

"I think it would be good for them, she was important and everyone knew that – even if they didn't always like it. If you don't want me to I won't." The Captain says.

Hoshi watches Trip tensely for a moment, worried he's not going to like this idea very much, but he just shrugs. "Sure yeah, not a whole lot of other people who would come anyway, parents are both dead, she wasn't exactly popular on Vulcan an-and I don't like the idea of Koss and the senior staff being the only ones in attendance."

The rest of the meal is carried on with a few uncomfortable conversations before The Captain and herself just give up and let Trip sit in silence, he doesn't seem that keen on talking as it is. When it comes time to leave she picks up Elizabeth and follows him out to the now mostly empty mess hall, there's only one other person in it. Marie Lathom sits with her back to them, but upon hearing them waves Trip over.

"Do you want me to take Elizabeth?" Hoshi asks.

"No, I'll sit here with Marie and watch her, I want to take care of her." Trip says, sitting down in the seat next to Marie and holding his arms out to take Elizabeth.

"I can help him get back, my shift doesn't start until noon." Marie assures, answering Hoshi's unasked question.

"Okay, just call if you need anything." Hoshi frowns in concern, not overly thrilled with the idea of leaving Trip here with someone neither of them knows very well. She hands Elizabeth over to Trip and follows the Captain out. "Sir can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course you can Hoshi." Captian Archer says, forcing a smile as they pass a group of crewmen on their way to the labs.

"I'm worried about Trip, we all are, is he going to get some sort of counseling or something?" She asks, stepping into the turbo lift behind him.

Captain Archer presses the button for the bridge and sighs. "Yes he is, in fact I'm making it mandatory that we all receive some counseling, at least a month of it, but I think Trip needs to do more like 6 months."

"I think so too sir, I'm just worried he's going to hurt himself, whether he means to or not. You remember what he was like after his sister died, and he and T'Pol were a bonded pair. That's a lot harder to lose." She says.

"We'll have Phlox keep an eye on him, and he knows he can always come talk to one of us." Jon sighs.

"I know he knows that but I'm afraid he won't do it. He had to be forced to do it the last time." Hoshi sighs, stepping out onto the bridge.

"We'll get him there Hoshi, it's just going to take some time."


	8. A Well-intentioned Weatherman

Chapter 8

 _Can we skip past near-death clichés  
Where my heart restarts, as my life replays?_

 _-"Touch" by Sleeping At Last, **Atlas: Year Two**_

After a bout of crying at dinner Trip had agreed to stay with Hoshi for the night, a cot was moved in and Elizabeth slept in her basket. It had been rather comforting to have another person in the room, even if Trip was up most of the night staring at the wall the sound of Hoshi's breathing from the bed across the room kept his mind grounded. While he was doing his best to shower a message had come in that the captain wanted to see him alone for breakfast, Hoshi promised to take Elizabeth and he set off to the captain's mess.

The whole way there he can't help but feel that he's not going to like what ever it is that the Captain has called him down there for. The last time the Captain had spoken to him alone it had been to tell him that Koss was going to be involved in planning T'Pol's funeral, and the time before that had been to tell him T'Pol died – well Hoshi had been there for that but it was still essentially him and the Captain. Speaking with the Captain alone during duty hours didn't have a great track record before that either, it had been the Captain who told him that Earth had been attacked and his sister killed.

"Mornin' Captain." Trip mutters, he's gotten better at using the crutches and is able to move with some degree of ease as he sits down in the chair. "You, uh, wanted to see me?"

"I did, I haven't had a chance to talk to you alone in a couple of days." Jon says, pouring a cup of coffee and pushing it towards him.

Trip takes the coffee gratefully and frowns. "Yeah I guess so."

"How'd you sleep?" It sounds to Trip like the Captain is trying to avoid telling him something, Trip studies him a moment. Captain Archer doesn't look that much better then Trip himself does, his hair is unkempt and he clearly hasn't shaved in a couple of days, the bags under his eyes are a clear indicator of a lack of sleep.

"About as good as you did by the looks of it." Trip mutters. "Stayed with Hoshi last night, she's got Lizzie this mornin' too. Is there somethin' you wanted to talk about?"

Jon sighs and puts the coffee down. "As a matter of fact there is, we've had a pretty big loss on this ship Trip. You more then anybody, which is why I'd like you to start counseling sessions, they can be with Phlox or you can always use the Comm system to talk to a counselor on Earth."

"Counselling?" Trip mutters, setting the coffee down.

"Yes Trip, counseling. Six months mandatory, the entire crew is getting some but I think you're the one most in need of it." Jon's voice is firmer this time, the whole crew might be getting counseling but Trip is pretty sure he's the only one who has to do six months of it.

"And if I don't want to?" He frowns.

"You'll be removed from _Enterprise."_ Jon sips his coffee.

Trip glares at him, he doesn't want the counseling, he hadn't gotten any after his sister died and he didn't want any now, but he couldn't be removed from Enterprise. Being removed from Enterprise would mean that he would have to take Lizzie to Earth, where the only safe place for her would be a hospital. Removal aside he doesn't think an earth psychologist can help him, what would they know about Vulcan bonds? And he's not about to go to a Vulcan psychologist.

"Fine. Six months, no more and I get to go back on duty?" Trip mutters,

"You can go back on duty as soon as the Doc clears you." Jon says. "I spoke with Phlox last night, he's willing to see you this evening and help you find an earth Doctor."

"Phlox can't do it?" Trip grimaces.

"He can, I just didn't think you'd want him to. Sometimes it's easier if you don't know the person." He explains.

"What does it matter? No one's gonna know what to do with me anyway." Trip mutters, staring into his plate of eggs.

"Trip, you can get help, there are people out there who can help." He doesn't have to look at Jon to know he's frowning, he knows him that well. "You just have to be –"

"Stop it." Trip mutters, looking up at him. "You don't know what it's like. TH-this isn't like loosing Elizabeth, y-you had to tell me when she died, but you didn't have to tell me when T'Pol died."

"What do you mean?" Jon frowns, putting his glass of orange juice down. "I told you both times."

Trip is staring very hard at his breakfast, tears welling in his eyes trying to think about how to explain the feeling of waking up without T'Pol in his mind. "You told me, but you didn't have to. I-I could tell. Sh-she wasn't there anymore, one moment she was there, in the back of my mind and then she was gone."

"Trip, you're not making any sense." Jon has dropped the façade and his voice is laced with concern.

"You wouldn't understand, i-it's a Vulcan thing. Th-they have different bonds then we do, m-mental ones and the kind of one T'Pol and I had, I-I can't – I guess it was like having her always standing next to me and then all of a sudden she was gone and I'd been stabbed." Trip wipes his eyes, it's a poor analogy but he doesn't know how else to explain waking up with a part of him missing and in pain.

"I don't –"

Trip reaches for the crutches and stands up, shaking his head. "Never mind. I-I'll talk to Phlox this evening, thanks for breakfast."

* * *

Somehow that had gone even worse than Jon had thought it would, he sits in a stunned sort of silence for a few moments after Trip leaves. Trip hadn't been making any sense to him, maybe he needs this counseling more than Jon thought, he finishes his breakfast quickly and makes his way to the bridge. Hoshi sits at her station with Elizabeth on her lap, making sentences from the Vulcan Language Database sound like various cartoon characters in an attempt to get the little girl to laugh, she doesn't appear to be having much luck as Elizabeth would rather suck her thumb with one hand and cling to Hoshi's uniform with the other.

"Ensign." He says, Hoshi looks up and blushes.

"Oh sorry sir, I-I didn't see you enter." She fumbles for the stop button and odd sound that is Tweety Bird speaking Vulcan stops.

"It's fine Ensign," HE assures with a half-smile. "I just wanted to know if you could try contacting Columbia and put it through to my ready room?"

"Of course sir." Hoshi nods and puts one arm around Elizabeth and using the other to press various buttons on the console.

Jon enters the ready room to find Porthos has already taken his seat, he moves the beagle and sits in front of the monitor. Just as he's pouring himself another cup of coffee the screen lights up with the face of Erika Hernandez, and a feeling of relief washes over him at the sight of her.

"Morning Jon," She's smiling, obviously attempting to cheer him up. "You look like hell."

"I feel like hell." He mutters, he hadn't slept very much last night, finding if he didn't keep busy his mind would linger on the fact that it was his fault T'Pol had been on Eckankar in the first place.

"How you holding up?" Erika says, her smile taking on a supportive feel. "And don't give me any of that 'I'm fine' bullshit, because you're not fine. You lost your first officer, and a good friend."

"Good friend seems too small a term for her." Jon sighs, he didn't have the words to describe what T'Pol had been to him, but he felt he didn't have to explain, that Erika would. "I'm not holding up very well but I'm doing better then Trip. I may have lost a first officer and a friend but he lost his wife and Elizabeth a mother and they both seem…"

"Depressed?" Erika offers.

"Broken. I don't think I've ever seen a baby look that broken." Jon sighs, looking over at the picture of the bridge crew that sits on his desk, all happy and smiling – except for T'Pol of course – in front of the Vulcan Compound where Trip and T'Pol had been married.

"Jonathan, you're going to that 'it's my fault' place again aren't you?" Erika's brown eyes study him from the screen and Jon knows better then to lie to her.

"It _is_ my fault Erika, I'm the reason she's dead, I made her go." He looks back at the screen sadly and sits back in his chair. "If I hadn't sent her to that planet she and Trip would be planning Elizabeth's first birthday party instead of her funeral"

"Jonathan," Erika's voice is firm, her 'listen to me or you'll be sorry' voice. "You couldn't have known there was going to be an attack on that plaza and you need to stop wallowing in guilt before it sucks you in. Trip needs your help and you can't help him if you give into that."

He knows she's right, he does need to stop this wallowing, but he can't. "Every time I lay down to sleep all I can hear is her voice asking repeatedly if she can stay. Every time I close my eyes I see the look on Trip's face when I told him T'Pol was dead and when it's quiet I hear that horrible, blood curdling cry of Elizabeth when she died."

"We'll be at the rendezvous coordinates in three days Jon." Erika says. "And once we are you won't be alone, I'll come stay while we're at Vulcan."

"Can you do that? You have your own ship to run." Jon doesn't want to sound to hopeful, but the idea of not having to be alone sounds really nice.

"Yeah, I can, Commander Fletcher can take the bridge for a couple of days." Erika says. "Enterprise needs help right now, and Columbia will help in any way we can, and that includes my helping you."

"Thank you," Jon says. "This feels like the Expanse all over again Erika. Only instead of loosing 1/3 of the crew we've just lost one member, and this time we're bleeding on the inside."

"Have you gotten counseling?" Erika asks her voice laced with the familiar concern.

He nods. "The whole crew, myself included, is getting mandatory counseling for at least a month, the senior staff are getting 3 months mandatory and I've made Trip take six months."

"How's he taking that?" Erika asks with a slight hint of a smile; she knows Trip as well as Jon does.

"He's not exactly thrilled with it but he's doing it. I'm still worried about him though, at breakfast this morning he almost had a break down, talked about feeling T'Pol die and being stabbed, apparently it's a Vulcan thing. It was… very unlike him."

"That doesn't sound like Trip." Erika frowns. "Does he have someone to help with Elizabeth?"

Jon nods. "Yeah, Hoshi's been helping him, he and Elizabeth stayed with her last night, I've spoken with her too and she's just as worried about Trip, I haven't talked to her about the incident at breakfast though."

"You should Jon, maybe she'll have some insight into what Trip meant. If it _is_ a Vulcan thing she's the next best person to ask." Erika encourages. "Have you thought about asking Trip's parents to take Elizabeth for a while? To give him time to focus on himself?"

Jon shakes his head. "No, I can't anyway, Elizabeth can't leave this ship unless it's to go to a hospital and Trip's parents aren't the most open to having a half-Vulcan granddaughter. They were more then a little opposed to Trip and T'Pol's marriage."

"He's staying on Enterprise then?" Erika doesn't sound thrilled with this idea.

"Yeah he is, he's off duty until Phlox clears him though." Jon sighs, rubbing his tired eyes. "Hoshi's trying to convince him to at least stay with her so she can help with Elizabeth though, she seems to be able to convince him of more then most."

"That's good at least." Erika nods. "Hopefully she can keep any eye on both of them while he gets help."

"I hope so too, because after this morning I think Trip is doing even worse then he lets on."

* * *

Hoshi sits on the bed, propped up with pillows, the freshly bathed Elizabeth sitting in her lap. That afternoon during lunch Hoshi had found several of her favorite picture books from when she was a child in the database and put them on her PADD, now they sit reading them quietly before bed. Elizabeth seems as disinterested these as she had been with the cartoon Vulcan voices this morning, it doesn't seem as though she's tired, she's as alert as she was when she woke up that morning, she's almost pensive and certainly clingy.

She's had Elizabeth attached at her hip all day, unable to put her down for even a second without Elizabeth starting to cry, even leaving her with Travis for five minutes so Hoshi could use the bathroom had resulted in a meltdown. This had left Hoshi with little choice other than to take Lizzie with her to her counseling session that afternoon.

Hoshi had decided to stick with Phlox as a counselor, Phlox would understand more then anyone else what T'Pol had meant to the crew and Hoshi had always been comfortable talking to him. She doubted if Trip would do the same but at least he was getting help now, and hopefully he'll ask to stay again. She doesn't want him to be on his own, even if he wasn't severely traumatized he had a broken leg and is the sole caregiver of an infant.

Just ask she's starting the second picture book the door to her quarters slides open and Trip enters. "How did it go?"

"It was fine." Trip mutters vaguely, sitting on the edge of the bed and holding his hands out for Elizabeth, Hoshi sets the PADD down and hands him Elizabeth, who thankfully seems just as content to be with her father as Hoshi. "How's Lizzie? I heard you couldn't put her down all day."

"She's good, I gave her a bath, we've been reading books." Hoshi holds up the PADD, Trip glances at it but seems more interested in rocking back and forth gently with Elizabeth in his lap.

"She likes books." Trip mutters, resting his cheek against her the damp fuzz of hair on the top of her head. "Do you mind if we stay again tonight?"

"Of course not, you're always welcome here." Hoshi says, crossing her legs and watching them worriedly. Trip seems to be only half listening, half there and half somewhere far away. "You okay?"

Hoshi doesn't get an answer, Trip simply continues to rock Elizabeth until she falls asleep in his lap, at which point he puts her in her basket and gets in bed himself. Hoshi sighs and turns out the lights, laying down and watching the two other people in the room until she joins Elizabeth in the realm of sleep.


	9. The Party Line

**So here we are at Chapter 9 which is also the last chapter to be uploaded until December given that NaNoWriMo starts in just a few short days. While I'd initially planned on looking the whole fic over a couple of times a week I am now watching my November fill up (the family friend who introduced me to Trek with Enterprise is coming to visit, we have a new foster dog coming and a family vacation)with activity and I doubt if I'll have any time to even look at this fic again before December. Because of this it may be the second Friday in December before I am able to start updating this again since I want to be able to do the next chapter properly.**

 **I also plan to be uploading the fic I'm working on during NaNo at the same time (though probably on Wednesdays not Fridays) as this one but with any luck that one will be entirely finished by the time I start uploading it so I'll not have to do much in the way of work for that. If all goes according to schedule this fic will be finished sometime around Valentines day of 2017 and the next installment will start sometime in March.**

* * *

Chapter 9

The Party Line

 _"My love, the drums are calling  
A red sky, a warning  
No sense in hiding from the front line  
It's been here the whole time" _

\- **_A Call To Arms_** , Laura Jansen

* * *

Three days later Trip stands with the rest of the bridge staff to greet Captain Hernandez and Commander Fletcher as they come aboard. As ordered he stands next to Hoshi and Captain Archer, eyes fixed forward on the door of the airlock. He and Elizabeth have spent the last few nights in their own quarters and lack of sleep is starting to cause his mind to drift drowsily when the familiar mechanical clicks pull him from back to reality and the door slides open.

The last time he'd seen Captain Hernandez had been just a few days after they brought Elizabeth aboard Enterprise. _Enterprise_ had been in orbit nearly three days and he and T'Pol had been sleeping in sickbay with Elizabeth. Meanwhile down on the surface various government officials were trying to decide what to do about Elizabeth – assuming she'd survive in the first place. They'd been expecting news from the surface and had been surprised when Captain Hernandez showed up with a baby gift, a onsie with the mission patch of _Columbia_ on the chest.

Since then she hadn't changed, but she certainly didn't look as happy to be here as she was that time. As she steps into the corridor and greets Captain Archer her behavior is professional but he can tell from her body language she wants to hug Captain Archer very tightly.

"Jon." She says gently.

"Welcome aboard." Captain Archer says. "I wish the circumstances were better, but rarely are they ever good."

"Don't we all." Captain Hernandez is quite a moment before turning to Trip. "You and Elizabeth both have my deepest condolences. I didn't know T'Pol well but her loss will be felt throughout Starfleet."

"Thanks." Trip mutters drily, it's not that he doesn't appreciated it but he'd heard the party line ;' _I didn't know T'pol well but her loss will be felt throughout Starfleet'_ more then a dozen times over the past three days. Hearing Erika deliver them brings him no more comfort then hearing every admiral in Starfleet say them but at least she's saying something, even if it does little to bring ease to the tension in the small corridor

"Well, now that I've delivered the formal statement I want you to know that if, you and Elizabeth need anything while Columbia is here let me know and I'll help you get it." Erika squeezes his arm and forces a smile to Elizabeth and Hoshi. As kind as the offer is Trip can't help but linger on the fact that the one thing he needs is the one thing no one can get him, he needs T'Pol back.

"Thank you Captain." Trip manages, clenching his teeth and blinking back tears.

"I've taken the liberty of having chef prepare a dinner for the six of us." Captain Archer says motioning for Erika and Commander Fletcher to follow him. Trip and Hoshi follow behind them, Trip limping along on his crutches and Hoshi still holding baby Elizabeth her hip.

Trip takes a seat next to Hoshi and holds his arms out for Elizabeth, he's settled her on his lap by the time chef brings out dinner, it's some sort of chicken dish from the looks of it. Trip unzips one of the large pockets on the legs of his uniform and pulls out a bottle for Elizabeth, she takes it hungrily and has half of it gone by the time he's finished dishing himself up.

"Hungry today huh baby girl? Growin' again aren't you?" He mutters.

"She's grown so much since I last saw her." Erika says, smiling at Elizabeth – who watches her with her blue eyes while she eats.

"She'll be a year old on the 25th." Trip says. "She's certainly growin' fast, can hardly keep her in clothes these days."

Most of the meal passes with uncomfortable attempts at conversation, and by the end of it it's nearly 7 and getting close to Lizzie's bed time. He's looking through some picture book Hoshi put on a PADD to keep Elizabeth entertained but she's quickly getting tired and has taken to sucking her thumb quietly and tapping the pictures of the cartoon animals in the book.

"Commander?" Captain Hernandez asks. "Would you mind if I held her?"

"Go ahead, she's a little sleepy though." Trip says, handing Elizabeth to Captain Hernandez as she moves around the table to take her.

"Hi Elizabeth." Captain Hernandez smiles, bouncing Elizabeth slightly. For a moment or two Elizabeth seems to tolerate it but just as Captain Hernandez is settling back into her chair Elizabeth starts to cry. It's the type she'd typically have given if he and T'Pol tried to go to movie night and leave her with a babysitter – something that had happened exactly once.

"Sorry she's probably just a little tired." Trip says trying to stand up, but Hoshi beats him to it, she's around the table and being handed Elizabeth before he can even get his crutches sorted. He starts to sit back down, half expecting that he'd have to take Elizabeth for her to quiet down when the wailing stops. Elizabeth is still giving the slightly sobbing hiccups when Hoshi sits back down but is for the most part quiet, and content to lay against Hoshi's chest and suck her thumb quietly.

"We should probably get baby girl here to bed." Hoshi says softly, rubbing Elizabeth's back soothingly as Elizabeth calms and her face returns to it's normal color rather then the bright green from crying.

"Yeah I suppose you're right." Trip says, struggling to his feet again. "I'm sorry Captain Hernandez, it's a little late for Lizzie."

"It's fine Commander, I'll see you three tomorrow when we arrive at Vulcan." Captain Hernandez says as the three of them leave.

* * *

. By the time they'd finished with dessert, escorted Commander Fletcher back to _Columbia_ and returned to _Enterprise_ to speak in private it was nearly 9. He can tell she's going to ask how he's doing even before the door to his quarters slides shut, but he was glad she was there, even if she was going to ask questions he didn't necessarily want to answer. He's looking out the window when he feels her squeeze his arm, he looks over at her.

"You okay?" She asks

"Yeah I'm fine." He says, turning to get Porthos his dinner off the self. "Just tired."

"Fine my ass, you haven't been sleeping." She crosses her arms and her dark eyes follow him as he moves around the room to get Porthos settled. "Wanna talk about it?"

"I don't want to talk about it Erika." He says firmly, glancing at her over his shoulder as he fills Porthos' water bowl from the bathroom sink, she's still watching him as he sets it on the floor next to the food dish.

"Okay, then don't talk about it." Erika says, sitting down on the bed and patting the spot next to her. "Just tell me why you're not sleeping instead."

He scowls a bit and begins to pace in front of her spot on the bed. "I can't sleep, I lay in bed for hours but I can never sleep more then an hour or so at a time."

"Why not?" She asks with concern, her brown eyes following his path across the floor.

"Because every time I do I see them." He says quietly, beginning to feel himself crack to her gentle tone. He hasn't spoken to anyone about this yet, not even the counselor he'd be seeing weekly from now on, but he knows he can talk to Erika. Erika understood the burden of being Captain, Erika understood what it was to lose a best friend – they'd both lost one when AG died.

"See who?" She asks quietly, but he can tell from her tone she knows exactly who, she just wants to hear it from him.

"E-every time I close my eyes I see myself forcing T'Pol to go on that away mission, and I see her asking to stay. She didn't just ask once, she asked three times and – and on the last one I half yelled at her, told her she had to go and it was nonnegotiable." He says quietly. "Every time it's quiet longer then a moment I hear that horrible sound Elizabeth made the moment her mother was blown to pieces on the surface. Blown to pieces by my orders. Every time it's dark I see the look on Trip's face when I told him T'Pol was dead. Dead by my orders."

"Jon-"

"An-and when I finally do fall asleep all I can dream about is how I ordered my first officer, my _best friend_ to her death instead of going myself." He finally stops pacing and looks at Erika, tears welling in his eyes. "That I am the reason she's dead at 67. Do you know how old that is to a Vulcan? It's roughly the equivalent of a woman Hoshi's age, late twenties. All that life and potential, gone in a second, two lives ruined and one wiped from existence because of my orders."

It's not the first time any of this has happened, but something about this time gets to him more then usual, and while Elizabeth and Trip's despair are certainly part of the reason, it's also because it's _T'Pol_. The first officer he hadn't wanted at first, and certainly hadn't expected, but over the last 5 years she'd become a damn good first officer and an even better friend. And there hadn't been anything that made him happier then seeing his two best friends so happy with one another and the guilt he feels at having destroyed that is more then he can bare.

"Jon…" Erika says, he doesn't realize he's crying until she's standing in front of him, wiping his face and then hugging him tightly. "You couldn't have known, it wasn't your fault."

He hugs her tightly, almost clinging to her. "Bullshit." He mutters. "I-I'm the Captain, everything that happens on this ship is my fault."

"But this didn't happen on _Enterprise._ " Erika whispers. "This happened on Eckankar because you weren't given accurate information."

"Sh-she'd never defied me like that before, I should've listened to her when she was so insistent that she didn't want to go." He mutters.

"Jon, listen to me," Erika says, pulling away from him and looking him in the eye. "You had no indication that there was danger, no reason to believe she was being anything but defiant. You acted on your instincts based off of the information you were given by Eckankar's government. Anything that happened down there wasn't your fault and T'Pol wouldn't have blamed you."

"T'Pol was never defiant, and she may not have blamed me but Trip does, and he should." Jon says quietly.

"No he doesn't, he's upset and rightfully so, his wife is dead, but he doesn't blame you, you have to stop blaming yourself." She insists. "You need to talk to someone."

"I-I am talking to someone, I'm seeing the counselor remember?" He mutters, looking over to where Porthos is on his bed to avoid her gaze.

"But that doesn't help if you don't talk about the actual issue, I know you Jonathan and I know you haven't before now." She pushes, he can feel her watching him worriedly. "Do you want me to stay the night?"

He looks back at her. "You have _Columbia_ to take care of."

"Veronica can handle _Columbia_ for one night, you need me more then _Columbia_ does right now." Erika whispers. "But if you don't want me to stay then I won't."

He does want her to stay, even though the crew will talk he wants her to stay, he needs sleep and she's right, he doesn't want to be alone. Erika represents the safety and stability he needs now and that he will need in the coming days and he wants her to stay. "I want you to stay, please."

A small smile graces her face, it's familiar but sad. "Then I will, so long as I can borrow a t-shirt and the dog sleeps on the floor."

"Oh, come on Erika, the dog never sleeps on the floor." He says, almost smiling himself.

The exchange is an old one, from back when they were both Commanders in the NX program and were 'starfleet's power couple' as AG called them. He'd only just gotten Porthos at the time and he was just a tiny puppy and every time she stayed the night Erika would ask that he sleep on the floor, but Jon never agreed and Erika never enforced it anyway. Still the exchange had been the same for years, it was as familiar as she was and every bit as comforting, so he goes over to the drawer and tosses her a t-shirt – one of the only three civilian t-shirts he has.

"I hope this isn't your best." She teases lightly, unzipping her uniform and starting to change.

"Only the best for you." He says, also beginning to change.

When they're both changed and lying in bed he's still sure he won't be able to sleep, he turns to face her and finds her watching him worriedly. "Thanks Erika, I guess you're right, I don't really want to be alone right now."


	10. Less Then Positive Circumstances

**Hello everyone! It's so nice to be back and working on this fic, as much as I loved my NaNo fic it's nice to take a break and return to this one. Over the break I did manage to finish NaNoWriMo (Which I didn't expect to happen at all) a little bit early and was able to plan out this chapter so I could get right back into it today.**

 **For the rest of December I'll continue to post this fic once a week on Fridays and "A Storm We're Meant to Ride" on Wednesdays but in January I'm going to start updating this fic twice a week, on Tuesday and Friday and "A Storm We're Meant to Ride" on Wednesdays. This means that this installment in the "Something Unpredictable" series will be done in mid-January instead of mid-february like I'd initially planned. My reason for doing this is mostly because this is a 7 part series and I've already been working on this installment for six months and I really need to pick up the pace on these or I'll never get them done.**

 **About the chapter itself, I'm really happy with how it turned out, we get to meet Koss and I kind of really love Koss, he's my third favorite Vulcan, so I really enjoyed getting to write him a little bit. The little nursery rhyme Hoshi is singing to Elizabeth in the beginning is one my mother used to sing to me and her grandmother (who was born and raised in Norway) sang to her and since Hoshi is amazing with languages I thought I'd include it because I used to love it as a little kid.**

 **OKay, that's all for this _very_ long Authors Note, I'll let us get into the chapter and I hope y'all enjoy it! **

**\- Galia**

* * *

Chapter 10

Less Then Positive Circumstances

 _what was once the sweetest melody i've heard  
is now a memory reduced to little words.  
i'll tune the orchestra and play the overture,  
until i pinpoint every note._

 _give me the heart of an archeologist,  
that i may dig until i prove that i exist.  
a subterranean cathedral in my midst,  
where echos come to rest._

\- _"Aperture" by Sleeping At Last_

* * *

Trip sits down at their little table, his fifth cup of coffee in his hand. By now the mess hall has emptied out except for him and Hoshi, who the Captain has given the day off as they're set to arrive at Vulcan any time now. Hoshi is bouncing Elizabeth on her knees.

""Ride, ride ranke! Hesten heter Blanke, hesten heter Abelgrå, satt en liten junker på!" Hoshi smiles, lifting Elizabeth in the air over her head, Elizabeth giggling madly as she has every time. Hoshi's been doing this for nearly half an hour now and Trip still has no idea what it is.

"Now I ain't real good with languages." Trip says. "But that doesn't sound like Japanese to me."

"It's not." Hoshi says, pausing for a moment to look over at him, before starting to bounce Elizabeth again as she speaks to Trip. "It's a Norwegian children's rhyme, about riding a horse."

"Where'd you learn it?" Trip asks.

"I went on an exchange trip to Norway when I was 17, my host family had 1 little kids who would spend all day doing this if you'd let them." She smiles, at Elizabeth. "And you love too don't you pretty girl?"

"Sure sounds like she does." Trip says, taking a drink of his coffee.

"Are you on cup number 5?" Hoshi asks worriedly.

"Yeah, so?" Trip mutters, she doesn't say anything else but he knows she's worried about him. He hasn't been sleeping much the last few days, an hour or two here or there and coffee has become as necessary. He and Elizabeth have been staying with Hoshi, she claims it's because he has such a hard time getting out of bed, and with Elizabeth still waking at night he needs help. This façade doesn't fool him, she's worried he'll hurt himself if he's left alone too long, especially at night and frightens him that he doesn't know definitively if she's wrong or right.

Hoshi's started another round of 'Ride Ride Ranke' with Elizabeth when the comm clicks on;

"Trip, Hoshi," It's the Captain. "We've arrived at Vulcan, you'll want to make yourselves look presentable, the Vulcans are bringing Koss aboard in an hour and a half."

"Looks like that's our cue baby girl." Hoshi says, setting Elizabeth down. "Lets get you a bath and out of these pajamas."

Trip finishes his coffee in a few swallows and struggles to his feet with the help of the crutches. Elizabeth reaches over for him. "I'm sorry baby girl." He mutters, kissing her cheek. "I can't carry you right now, but Hoshi's gonna hold you nice and tight okay?" He reaches out carefully and lets Elizabeth take hold of his pointer finger in her fist.

"Do you need to change before we go meet Koss?" Hoshi asks him, starting towards the door.

"I think I'm okay." Trip says, looking down at his uniform, it's clean but he hasn't shaved or showered in the last two days.

"Well grab a shower at least okay?" She frowns, his lack self-care seems to worry her almost as much sleep habits – or lack thereof.

"I will." Trip mutters.

An hour and a half later he and Hoshi are just barely on time to meet the shuttle. Elizabeth had been laid down for a nap after her bath only to have a blow out and need another bath before they could leave. Now she's playing with a set of toy keys on Hoshi's hip, wearing a pink smock dress that had been sent by Trip's mother and a bow clipped into her tiny tuft of hair. Trip had showered as well but he and Hoshi both wore uniforms, Trip's looks a bit awkward on him around the cast but it was enough to make Hoshi consider him presentable.

Trip stands slightly behind Hoshi, Captain Archer and Captain Hernandez (who was visiting from Columbia to assist Captain Archer), balancing uncomfortably on the crutches as the airlock door slides open.

Koss looks the same as the last time Trip had seen him, a little over a year ago, though instead of the more casual clothes he'd been wearing when he came to see T'Pol he wore a set of traditional robes. He's holding a small package wrapped in brown paper in one hand, he offers the two Captains the traditional Vulcan salute.

"Thank you for allowing me to come aboard Captain." Koss says.

"Of course, you're a friend of T'Pol's and you hardly saw the place last time you were here." Captain Archer says warmly. "This is Captain Hernandez, her ship _Columbia_ came along this time."

"It is agreeable to meet you Captain Hernandez." Koss says politely, looking over at her and nodding politely. "I wish my visit was under better circumstances, unfortunately it would seem that I am not ever going to be aboard your fine vessel for anything positive."

"Do you have time for a tour?" Captain Archer asks good naturedly.

"Unfortunately, I do not, I have some things to discuss with Commander Tucker." Koss apologizes, turning to Trip and Hoshi. "You and Elizabeth both have my sincerest condolences Commander. To lose one's mate is a more difficult thing then anyone should have to go through."

"Uh, thanks." Trip says stiffly, it's a bit strange to hear about the loss of T'Pol from Koss, who'd been married to her once.

"This is Elizabeth then?" Koss asks, looking at Elizabeth.

"Yep," Trip nods uncomfortably. "Elizabeth T'Les, I think she looks like her mother."

"She looks exactly like T'Pol." Koss agrees. "Except for the eyes, those appear to be yours, or possibly her foremothers."

"Why don't we go to my quarters, we can discuss tomorrow." Trip suggests, he doesn't want to go discuss T'Pol's funeral tomorrow, but they have to and it's not like they can standnd around in front of the airlock for the next hour.

"That is agreeable." Koss says. "You are Ensign Hoshi Sato yes?"

"Yes I am." Hoshi says, somewhat surprised that he knows who she is.

"T'Pol spoke very highly of you." Koss says.

"Did she?" Hoshi asks.

"Yes, she said you were the best in your field." Koss says, he and Hoshi exchange a few words in Vulcan as the group makes their way back to Trip's quarters.

Once there Hoshi gets a few toys for Elizabeth and sets her on the ground to play with them, and Koss turns to Trip.

"If it's not over stepping my bounds, I've brought something for Elizabeth." He holds out the package. "They're a set of traditional robes, usually worn after the birth and on the first birthday."

Trip looks at the package. "I thought Vulcans didn't celebrate birthdays."

"Beyond the first we don't, but for most of our history the first year of life was very dangerous." Koss explains. "Making it to the first year is something to celebrate."

Trip is quiet for a moment, trying to imagine what a Vulcan first birthday party must look like – very dull he decided. "Thank you, I-I didn't know about these, T'Pol never mentioned it."

"I don't believe they have anyone who can make them on earth, she'd have had to return to Vulcan to obtain them." Koss explains. "I'm not sure what color she would've chosen but I do remember T'Pol being rather fond of purple."

"It was her favorite color." Trip nods.

"Vulcans don't have favorite colors." Koss says. "But I had them made in purple, I had to guess on the proper size, she's much large then a Vulcan infant."

"She ain't that big." Trip frowns.

"By Vulcan growth charts she's nearly the size of an 18-month-old." Koss says. "Vulcan children are very small."

"Oh, well if they don't fit we can frame 'em or something." Trip mutters.

"Frame them?" Koss raises an eyebrow quizzically.

"Yeah, frame them, my Momma used to do that with our first Easter clothes, has my brothers, mine and my sister's hangin' in the hallway of her house." Trip explains. "We can hang them on the wall, that way she'll still have them."

"Yes I suppose you could." Koss nods.

* * *

Hoshi isn't sure what to make of Koss, she'd only heard of him from Trip briefly after he returned to Earth following T'Pol's wedding. Needless to say, Trip hadn't exactly painted him in a positive light, but he seemed perfectly nice. He reminds her vaguely of a teddy bear, his face is slightly rounder then the usual Vulcan's – perhaps a result of him being somewhat chubby. He also lacks the pretentious stature she'd expected from a Vulcan man of his status, in fact he almost gives her the impression of being rather sweet.

While he seems to like Elizabeth it's also clear he has absolutely no idea what to do with a child, human or Vulcan. She crawls over to him and starts attempting to climb up him. He looks down at her like someone would look at a puppy trying to get their attention.

"Do you require care?" He asks the infant.

"She just wants to see your face." Hoshi explains, lifting Elizabeth up to get a better look at Koss, the baby girl reaches out and grabs his ear. Hoshi frees it from her hand and smiles apologetically. "Sorry, she likes ears."

"It's fine." Koss says, watching Elizabeth whine, frustrated she can no longer reach his ears or nose.

"I'll put her in the play pen." Hoshi says, going over to the playpen that's partially shoved under the desk and setting Elizabeth and a few toys in it.

"Commander," Koss says, turning to Trip. "I've had a lawyer friend of mine look over T'Pol's will, she's left everything to you and Elizabeth, her mother's home, everything in it. In the event of her death she did state that she'd like her funds to go to a fund for Elizabeth's future schooling but aside from that you're free to do whatever you wish with the house."

"The house?" Trip mutters, Hoshi can tell he hasn't even thought about T'Pol's will, though both had updated them when Elizabeth came around. "Can I see it?"

"Yes, the funeral is planned for the late afternoon, but if you'd like to stay the night with me in the city I can take you to the house in the morning, you can go through it, make arrangements for its upkeep or to sell it. Both Ensign Sato and Elizabeth are welcome too of course." Koss says.

"Well Elizabeth can't come." Trip mutters sadly. "She's too sick to leave the ship. We're gonna have to leave her with Dr. Cutler while we're at the funeral but I'd like to stay and see the house in the mornin'. I don't wanna sell it, but I'd like to take a few things so Elizabeth can have somethin' of her Vulcan family. You gonna come Hosh?"

"Um," Hoshi looks at Elizabeth who's playing with her blocks in the play pen, Elizabeth who doesn't like to sleep for anyone but her or Trip. "I'll play it by ear but Elizabeth has been very clingy to Trip and myself lately so I'll probably have to return in the evening."

"Certainly." Koss says. "We don't want Elizabeth to be upset any further then she already has been. Has she been alright?"

"Kinda." Trip sighs, looking over at his daughter. "She's been… I don't really know how to describe it but anxious I guess, she's become quite attached to Hoshi, gets anxious if one of us ain't with her."

"It's not unusual for a Vulcan child this young to attach to another person of the same sex of the parent they lost." Koss says. "The bonds between parent and child are very strong and necessary for development, Elizabeth is instinctively trying to find that bond again."

"Do you think it'll mess her up?" Trip asks quietly, Hoshi hates how guilty he sounds.

"Do I think what will mess her up?" Koss asks.

"Loosin' T'Pol." Trip mutters. "Do you think she's been scarred for life or somethin'?"

"I'm an architect Commander, not a child phycologist. I cannot say, not only is she half human but I don't know her." Koss says. "If you're that concerned perhaps you should take her to see a specialist."

"I guess." Trip mutters. "I just thought you might know somethin', bein' Vulcan and all."

"I'm sorry I cannot help more." Koss says. "But it's my understanding that human children are very resilient, and her mother was resilient as well, I have no doubt she'll be as strong as T'Pol."

"Yeah I guess." Trip mutters.

Koss stands up. "I need to get back to Vulcan. Thank you for allowing me to meet Elizabeth."

"Sure." Trip says, struggling to his feet. "Hosh, if you don't mind stayin' with Elizabeth I'll walk him back to the airlock."

"Okay." Hoshi nods, once the two men are gone she picks Elizabeth up out of the play pen. "What do you think sweet girl? You gonna be okay?" Hoshi sits on the bed and sets Elizabeth on her knees, Elizabeth starts to bounce and grin. "You want more ride ride ranke? Okay, we'll do more." She smiles at her, starting up the game again.


	11. January 28, 1986

**Okay so this chapter took a _really_ long time for me to write, I've been working on it nearly four hours solid now but it's done. A huge, massive thanks to MeredithBrody for helping me get the eulogy Archer gives right. **

**The quote that Archer uses in that eulogy is one from President Reagan's "Speech on the Challenger Disaster" which can be read at this link with the spaces removed and an actual dot in place of the word dot :**

 **teaching american history dot org /library/document/speech-on-the-challenger-disaster/**

 **I have had that quote in mind since i started writing this fic nearly six months ago and I'm so glad that with the help of MeredithBrody I was able to work it into the eulogy.**

 **I hope you enjoy the chapter!**

 **\- Galia**

* * *

Chapter 11

 _The crew of the space shuttle Challenger honored us by the manner in which they lived their lives. We will never forget them, nor the last time we saw them, this morning, as they prepared for the journey and waved goodbye and "slipped the surly bonds of earth" to "touch the face of God."_

\- _From "Speech on the Challenger Disaster" by Ronald Reagan, January 28, 1986_

* * *

When Hoshi wakes the next morning Trip is already awake, laying on his cot and watching Elizabeth sleep quietly in hers. Her little chest rising and falling gently as she sleeps on. Hoshi sits up and pushes her hair back.

"Morning." She says quietly.

"Mornin'." Trip says still watching the baby girl sleep. His blue eyes are red and puffy from crying and the bags under his eyes lead her to believe he'd been crying quietly all night.

"Did she sleep through the night?" Hoshi asks, getting out of bed to go peer in at Elizabeth.

"Woke once, gave her the pacifier and she went right back to sleep." Trip mutters. "Thought one of us should sleep a little and she ain't your kid so…"

Hoshi frowns a little, Elizabeth has a pink pacifier in her mouth and is sleeping soundly. She remembers T'Pol being quiet adamant about _not_ using a pacifier, but it wasn't her place to bring it up. Trip was Elizabeth's father.

"Why don't you get in the shower, I'll get little girl her breakfast." Hoshi offers, reaching over to turn the kettle on for a few seconds to heat the water.

"Nah I'll do it." Trip says, sitting up and dragging his leg over the edge of the bed so he can reach his crutches. "You go ahead."

Hoshi frowns a little, how Trip is supposed to prepare a bottle on crutches is beyond her but it's a good sign he seems to be interested in caring for Elizabeth. "Okay, just don't let the kettle get too hot."

She goes to her dresser and pulls her dress uniform from a drawer, glancing over her shoulder she spots Trip struggling to scoop formula into the bottle. She wants to offer to help but isn't sure it's the best thing right now, so she goes into the bathroom.

When she returns half an hour later there's powdered formula on the desk and some water spilled on the book case, but Trip is sitting on the bed with Elizabeth perched on his good knee and bottle in one hand. At least she's been fed. She picks her hairbrush up off the night stand and begins to brush out her wet hair.

"I'll pack Lizzie's bag while you're in the shower, we need to get moving we're supposed to be at the launch bay in half an hour." Hoshi says, pulling the laundry basket and bag she's been using to cart Lizzie around the last couple of days out from the cupboard.

"I know." Trip says quietly, not making any move to get up, still watching Elizabeth eat sleepily. "Miss Hoshi's gonna get you dressed okay?" He holds Elizabeth out carefully so as not to disturb her while eating and gets up carefully to hobble into the bathroom.

"Good morning sleepy girl." Hoshi smiles. " _You didn't want to get up this morning did you? Your Momma told me you weren't a morning person. She said you get it from your Daddy."_ Chatting to Elizabeth in Japanese as she pulls one of her onsies out of a basket and laying her on the bed to change her.

They just barely make it to the launch bay in time, Captain Archer, Malcolm, and Travis are already in shuttle pod one. Hoshi hops in and Trip pulls the door closed behind her then shuffles to the back to sit quietly on his own.

"Who's watching the ship?" Hoshi asks, taking a seat across from Malcolm.

"Erika – Captain Hernandez," Captain Archer corrects himself. "Loaned us some of her people for the funeral."

"She's not coming?" Hoshi asks.

"She's already on the surface." Captain Archer says.

The ride down to Vulcan is the most somber shuttle pod ride she's ever been on. No one says anything, Malcolm and Trip both stare blankly ahead of them, Travis is busying himself with the manual flight controls. Captain Archer stares at the console in front of him, he's seated where T'Pol would usually be.

Koss meets them at the entrance to the graveyard, despite the heat he's wearing several layers of Vulcan robes, formal funeral attire. He greets them quietly and leads them to the small corner of the graveyard where T'Pol's grave marker is. There's one on either side of it, one marked with her mother's name the other with her fathers name. Most graves in the area have a ring of stones around them, the rings are varying sizes, some as long as six feet, others as small as 18 inches, but T'Pol's family's lack the stones.

"I've found someone to conduct the service in English, but there are traditional portions that must be done in Vulcan," Koss explains.

"I can translate them." Hoshi offers quietly.

"You can try," Koss says. "As far as I'm aware certain parts of them don't translate particularly well out of Vulcan."

The Vulcan priest says a few words and then Captain Archer moves to the front to address the crowd.

"I remember when I first met T'Pol threatened to knock her on her ass. None of us wanted a Vulcan on board our ship for our very first mission and she knew that, she and Trip fought like cats and dogs that first mission. As time went on we got closer, she came to dinner every night – even on night where we used chopsticks. For someone so disciplined she never could get chopsticks, I remember one night chef made Chinese and Trip and I sat there and watched every piece of tofu fall out of her chopsticks, but she was too stubborn to ask for a fork. We've all come a long way since then and I am proud to have been able to call her one of my best friends, one of the only people I would in trust with my life and the lives of my crew. She became a wonderful mother and wife, and an even better friend.

"When space travel in Earth was in its infancy there was a tragedy, and a president gave a speech with a line I feel is appropriate here. He said quote _"Your loved ones were daring and brave, and they had that special grace, that special spirit that says, "give me a challenge and I'll meet it with joy.'"_ Captain Archer looks sadly out at the small crowd. "I think these particular words perfectly sum up T'Pol, though I'm not sure she'd have described it as 'joy', I'll leave you with these words as we remember the friend, mother, and fellow officer we all loved. Thank you"

Hoshi sniffles and looks over to where Trip stands, tears are rolling silently down his face and he's leaning heavily on his crutches. He sniffles and shakes his head at the offer to get up and say something. As Captain Archer returns to his place she sees Captain Hernandez embrace him tightly, they're both crying too.

Hoshi does her best to hold it together for Trip but by the time the part of the ceremony conducted in Vulcan comes around she's in tears too. The rest of the ceremony passes in a blur and as she follows the crowd out she notices Trip isn't with them, neither is Koss, they both linger over T'Pol's grave. Trip's shoulders are shaking, he's sobbing.

She decides it's best to give them a moment and moves off to the side to call Liz Cutler.

"Hey Liz it's Hoshi." She says shakily.

"Oh," Liz's voice says over the comm.

"How's Elizabeth? Did she go down for her nap?" Hoshi asks.

"Um, well, not – not exactly." Liz says, in the background Hoshi can hear wailing. "She's not going down, I gave her a bottle, changed her, rocked her and have even tried her pacifier."

"Oh my, okay um," She looks over at Trip and bites her lip. "I'll come back, I'll be there in about an hour okay?"

"Oh thank you." Liz Cutler says sounding relieved. "H-how's Commander Tucker?"

"He's…" Hoshi bites her lip. "He's a mess, it's to be expected… Look I'll be back in an hour, I have to go." She closes her communicator and goes over to where Trip stands.

"She's dead Hoshi." He whimpers.

"I just spoke to Liz Cutler." Hoshi says quietly. "Elizabeth won't go down, will you be okay if I return to the ship?"

"Y-yeah, I'll be fine. Lizzie needs you more." He cries wiping his eyes

* * *

After the crowd dissipates it's just him and Koss left standing in the graveyard. Koss doesn't say anything. Maybe he doesn't know what to say, maybe he has nothing to say at all, Trip can't decide.

"Y-Ya know I don't believe I'm ever gonna come to Vulcan for somethin' good." Trip mutters. "Though a wedding is a hell of a lot better then a funeral."

Koss ignores the comment and says "We should get back to the city, it's a long journey on the bus."

"We have to leave now?"

"It's illogical to stay here any longer." Koss says.

"Well fuck logic. Sh-she's my wife and our daughter ain't even able to be here." Trip mutters.

"I'm sorry Commander." Koss says. "I know her death was senseless, and illogical, but staying here will not fix it."

Trip looks over at Koss, he hadn't expected him to say something almost emotional. "Where'd you pull that one from?"

"Death in one so young is rarely logical." Koss says quietly, for the first time it occurs to Trip that Koss might be mourning just as much he is, even in his own Vulcan way.

After another half an hour of standing next to her grave in silence Trip finally relents and they start back towards the city.

Koss lives in the center of the city, in a 10th floor apartment, unlike most apartments Trip has lived in this one is very quiet. None of the neighbors can be heard and the city below seems strangely still. Trip looks around the living room, everything is Earth tones – not unlike T'Pol's home, though this lacks the occasional splash of deep purple.

"Nice place." Trip mutters.

"T'Pol didn't care for it." Koss mentions.

Trip blinks, he never though about T'Pol spending time here during the short time she and Koss were married. "She wasn't really a city girl was she?"

Koss hesitates. "No, she was not." He agrees. "She preferred to live on the outskirts, it's quieter there."

"Pretty quiet here." Trip comments.

"Not if you're a Vulcan." Koss says. "It's crowded as well, Vulcans go to great lengths to find solitude."

"Yeah, she did like her privacy, though neither of us got that much with a baby." Trip mutters, looking around the living room's sliding door to the balcony.

"The guest room is down the hall across from the bathroom, you will stay there tonight." Koss says. "Do not bother waking early to prepare the morning meal."

"It's a Vulcan custom ain't it? I ain't really gonna sleep anyway." Trip mutters.

"It is a custom but given the circumstances and the fact that it is only you and I here I see no reason to follow it." Koss says. "A friend of mine, T'Rehu will be coming over to take us to T'Pol's home tomorrow morning. She's a lawyer, she looked over T'Pol's will."

"I should tell Hoshi. What time?" Trip asks.

"10 am, Ensign Sato can meet us at the house if she would like." Koss says.

"Yeah, I'll tell her." Trip mutters, shuffling back to the spare room and setting his duffel down. It's mostly empty, just a change of clothes inside, he'd really brought it so he'd be able to take some of T'Pol's things back to _Enterprise_ tomorrow. He wants Elizabeth to have something more of her mother then her uniforms or pajamas.

He lays back on the bed, staring at the ceiling and is no longer able to contain the tears that have been threatening to come out since he and Koss arrived here. Koss seems to realize that calling him for dinner won't be worth it and he doesn't disturb Trip for the rest of the night.


	12. Starting to Break

**Alright, Chapter 12 was written much easier then 11 was so here it is, surprisingly before 9pm Seoul time. I will be updating next week (which is Chapter 13) and at this point we have 6 chapters left. Since Christmas is on a Sunday I'll keep my posting schedule next week but I'm not sure about the week after. I'll be gone the 28th through the 30th so it might be the 31st for Chapter 14.**

 **In addition to nearly being done with this installment in the "Something Unpredictable" Series I have the next one planned. With any luck that will start up in the third week of January.**

 **I hope to hear your thoughts on this chapter and I'll see y'all again next week.**

 **\- Galia**

* * *

Chapter 12

 _I can feel you falling away_

 _No longer the lost  
No longer the same  
And I can see you starting to break  
I'll keep you alive _

_-"Give Me A Sign" Breaking Benjamin_

* * *

The next morning Trip and Koss are standing in front of T'Pol's house by 10 am, it's the same as Trip remembers it from the last time he was here. The plaque next to the large wooden gate – which Trip assumes says the address – is a little dustier, and the pot next to the gate is empty, but the rest remains the same. Koss' friend T'Rehu is a very tall Vulcan woman with jet black hair worn up in an overly elaborate formal style. It doesn't take Trip very long to realize that Vulcan or not Koss is a little sweet on her.

"She would like to know if we're waiting for someone else." Koss asks after a brief exchange of words with T'Rehu.

"Yeah, we're waiting on Hoshi." Trip says, looking over to the Vulcan woman. "My friend's comin'."

T'Rehu raises an eyebrow and turns to Koss, who repeats the answer in Vulcan. It hadn't even occurred to Trip that she wouldn't speak English. Then again, what reason can she possibly have to learn it? She's a Vulcan lawyer who works in property management. It's a little odd for Trip to be using a translator for Vulcan, but he doesn't speak any Vulcan despite being married to T'Pol, so it's not like he can be too judgmental.

"How long until your friend gets here?" Koss asks.

"I don't know." Trip shrugs. "Maybe -"

"Sorry I'm late." Hoshi says, appearing behind him. "I had to use the shuttle pod and Elizabeth wasn't too pleased with me for leaving her with Liz Cutler again."

"It's fine." Koss says. "This is T'Rehu, she's the lawyer who's handling T'Pol's will. She says you're allowed to take what you wish and she'll help set up arrangements for the sale of the house if you should decide to sell it."

"I don't intend to sell it." Trip mutters, watching T'Rehu open the gate and step inside. He moves after her, slowly as he tries to balance the crutches on the uneven paving stones.

The garden is exactly like Trip remembers, if not for the empty feel Trip would think someone was living here. T'Pol must've had a gardener come to care for it. Looking around he doesn't immediately notice anything different but as he's walking towards the door he pauses in front of the large stone next to the small stone porch.

It was here the last time, there was a few words in Vulcan and a date carved into it, but now there's a second date and a second set of Vulcan words. They're newer then the last time and placed directly under the first set.

"Hey Koss?" Trip asks, turning to the Vulcan man a few feet from him.

"Yes?"

"What's this stone?" Trip asks, pointing.

"The birthstone." Koss says.

"Like an amethyst or somethin'?" Trip asks, it doesn't _look_ like any birthstone he's ever heard of.

"A what?" Koss turns his head slightly.

"No," Hoshi says, shaking her head. "Trip it's a _literal_ birthstone, they're traditional in Vulcan homes, to list the babies born in the house on a stone. Usually they're put in the exact spot where the first child born in the house was born – births typically took place outdoors, usually in secluded areas with only a midwife present."

"It's a very old fashioned thing." Koss says, putting his hands behind his back and looking at the stone. "Most people no longer use them and most children are now born in hospitals."

"Was it here the last time you were here?" Hoshi asks

"Yeah," Trip nods, he hadn't thought to ask anything about it then."What's it say?"

"The first name is T'Pol's." Hoshi says. "her date of birth, Fourth day of the month of re'T'Khutai on 2088. I believe re'T'Khutai is the fourth month?"

"Yes." Koss nods.

"Her birthday ain't in April." Trip mutters. "It's in March. March 12th."

"The Vulcan month only has 21 Earth days." Hoshi explains. "The date of birth in file is translated into Earth years. The second one is – is Elizabeth."

"O-our Lizzie?" Trip mutters, swallowing hard.

"Yeah. Elizabeth T'Les, June 26, 2164. She uses the Earth month, it's just transliterated, the only actual Vulcan word is T'Les." Hoshi mutters. "She must've gotten someone to add her name…"

"I-I didn't know." Trip mutters taking a shaky breath and fighting back tears. T'Pol had been such a good mother to Elizabeth, loved her more then anything in the world. Elizabeth deserved to have her around to grow up with, and look up to. "We should get a move on."

He turns towards the door and enters the house. The house is strangely still and clean, no dust on anything.

"I hope it wasn't too much of an intrusion." Koss says. "But I had a cleaning service come by, I thought given Elizabeth's health it would be best to ensure whatever you wished to take back was clean."

"It's fine." Trip mutters, moving back through the house towards T'Pol's bedroom.

The room is small, to him it feels cramped, but T'Pol always liked small spaces. He opens up a drawer and starts looking through it for something that might be significant, he puts a couple of shirts in the duffel, Lizzie might find the smell comforting but they're not what he's looking for. He goes through two more of the drawers, one contains candles, the other books.

He opens the closet door and finds what he's looking for, hanging in the back is the royal purple wedding dress she'd worn during her wedding to Koss. It might not have been her wedding to him – though they'd never had one and weren't legally married – but every little girl should be able to look at her Momma's wedding dress when growing up. He takes it carefully off the hanger and folds it, tucking it in the bag.

"Her wedding dress?" Hoshi asks.

"Yeah." Trip nods. "I know it was when she was married to Koss but every girl dreams of their wedding right? And my sister loved to put on our Momma's wedding dress, thought Lizzie might like the same."

"I liked to put on my mother's fancy clothes too." Hoshi says, leaning on the door frame. "I found a few pictures she might like."

Hoshi holds out four picture frames for him to take. One of T'Pol with both her parents, one of T'Pol having just graduated the Science Academy, one of T'Pol on her wedding (though Koss is not pictured) and one of T'Pol at about Elizabeth's age. The resemblance catches Trip off guard, he'd expected her to be a rather serious baby but in the photo she has the same happy gleam in her eye that Elizabeth gets when she's about to cause mischief.

A tear falls on the frame and Trip realizes he's crying and wipes his eyes. "Th-thanks." He mutters. "I-I think this is it, we should head back."

"Okay," Hoshi nods.

They meet the two Vulcans in the living room, Koss speaks first; "I can set up continued care of the gardens and home if you like."

"That'd be nice." Trip mutters. "It's a pretty house, I'd hate to see it fall into ruin."

"You'll be able to use it whenever you're on Vulcan." Koss says. "You're welcome to contact me if you or Elizabeth need anything and I'd like to meet with you again the next time you find yourself on Vulcan."

Trip nods. "Thanks." He mutters, he hadn't liked Koss when they first met but over the last 24 hours he's grown on him. The Vulcan man genuinely seems to want to help in any way he can, and at some point, Trip might need that help. "We'll leave y'all here. Gotta get to the shuttle port. Thanks for helpin' with this. I-I couldn't've arranged it myself."

* * *

It's dinner time by the time Hoshi and Trip have gotten back to the ship and through decon (a mandatory procedure now that Elizabeth is on board) and when they pick up Elizabeth she's not happy. She's fussy and obviously over tired.

"Did she get her nap?" Hoshi asks, watching Trip try to calm Lizzie down.

"She wouldn't go down." Liz Cutler sighs. "I'm so sorry Hoshi, I tried for over an hour but I had to get back to work."

"It's fine," Hoshi sighs. "She'll get to sleep early tonight I suppose. Thanks so much for doing this Liz, I know you didn't have the easiest time with her yesterday."

"Oh, it was fine." Liz gives her a false smile, obviously not wanting to offend Hoshi. She should probably wait a while before asking Liz to babysit again.

They go straight from Sick Bay to the Mess Hall where they eat dinner in silence. Elizabeth refuses to leave Trip's lap, even for a second – she'd screamed when Hoshi had to be the one to carry her to the mess hall – so Trip sits her on top of his cast and eats with one arm. She makes it through twenty minutes of the meal before passing out in Trip's arms. Trip isn't much noisier then the sleeping baby, he doesn't say a word and seems absorbed in his own thoughts for the entire meal.

"Movie night is tonight." Hoshi suggests. "Captain's trying to keep up morale."

"I want to get to bed." Trip mutters. "It's been a long day."

Hoshi had expected this answer, but at least she got an answer out of him. "I'll have to wake Elizabeth for her bath when we get back."

Trip doesn't answer and Hoshi goes back to her soup.

Elizabeth is not happy about being woken for her bath and fusses as Hoshi undresses her and sets her in the warm tub.

 _"I know sweet girl."_ Hoshi mutters. _"I know you want to go back to sleep, but you really need your bath first okay?"_

Elizabeth doesn't seem convinced and continues to cry as Hoshi pours a cup of water over her head so she can wash her hair. Continuing to talk quietly to her in Japanese eventually calms Elizabeth down and she settles for pouting up at Hoshi the entire time.

 _"See?"_ Hoshi asks quietly, picking her up in a towel and carrying her to the other room _"Doesn't that feel better? You're all clean and can go to sleep now."_

Hoshi sets her on the bed and gets a diaper and set of pajamas from the bag, by the time Hoshi is pulling the pajama bottoms onto her chubby legs Elizabeth is asleep. She doesn't wake as Hoshi sets her in the crib and gets her own pajamas from the drawer.

"Trip?" Hoshi asks, he's laying on his side on his cot and staring off into space "Are you gonna shower?"

"huh?" Trip mutters, jerking out of whatever sort of trance had been holding him.

"I asked if you wanted to shower? Before bed?" She asks, it's probably best that they both have an early night. Trip's had a tough weekend and hers hasn't exactly been easy either.

"Oh," Trip mutters. "No, I'll – I'll shower in the morning, okay?"

"Okay." Hoshi nods, going into the bathroom to change.

Hoshi spends the remainder of the evening finishing a bit of work and reading, by 10 o'clock when she's finally settling into bed Trip still hasn't moved. He's laying fully clothed on his cot and staring into the wall. She decides if he's still there in the morning she'll try to talk to him again and rolls over and goes to sleep.


	13. Caught Up In Static

**This chapter took _forever_ to get done, largely because of the holidays and the way I originally set up this chapter. This chapter is shorter then I intended but I still got the point covered. **

**Having said that, because I have struggled so much with this story I am going to be taking a break until I finish writing it. That means the next time you see me update it will likely be in February and I'll have completely finished writing it.**

 **\- Galia**

* * *

Chapter 13

 _Hidden in plain sight,_  
 _The world is an outline_  
 _Of shapes I used to know._

 _Like pulling ribbon,_  
 _All of a sudden_  
 _The curtains draw back slow._  
-"Outlines" by Sleeping at Last

* * *

Enterprise arrives back at Earth three days after breaking orbit around Vulcan. Having seperated from Columbia after the funeral Enterprise arrives alone, and unlike the last time they saw Earth there was no happy chatter about where everyone would be going. For the most part everone knew, they would attend the formal service for T'Pol and then return to duty, but she hoped the captain would make one exception.

"Come in," Captain Archer says from the other side of the door way, Hoshi opens the door and steps into the ready room. "Hoshi, you need something?" He motions for her to take a seat.

Hoshi sets Elizabeth on the floor with a stuffed toy and sits down. "I was hoping I could ask you for something sir." She says quietly.

"Sure Hoshi, is something wrong." Captain Archer frowns. "Aside from the obvious that is."

"It's Trip sir." Hoshi says. "I'm worried about him."

"I know you are," Captain Archer sighs. "We're all worried about him, he's hurting right now and we need to be there to support him. What do you think he needs?"

"I wanted to know if I could contact his family, maybe invite them up to Enterprise to see him and Elizabeth." Hoshi explains. "Trip's already told me he doesn't plan on stopping to see them after the funeral, even though you said he could."

"Hoshi," Captain Archer leans forward in his seat a bit. "Trip's family isn't the most... open minded."

"What do you mean sir?" Hoshi asks. "They didn't like T'Pol?"

"No, they didn't like T'Pol," Captain Archer starts. "They didn't even like Elizabeth very much last I heard."

"That's ridiculous." Hoshi frowns. "She's their granddaughter."

"I know it is," Captain Archer sighs. "But that's how they feel about her. They don't approve of Trip and T'Pol's relationship, never have from what I know."

"He's their son," Hoshi says. "I'm sure if I explain what's going on with him that they'll come see him. His mother has to worry about him."

"She worries," Captain Archer explains. "But she doesn't worry for the reasons you might think."

"Just let me try sir." Hoshi pleads. "I'm really worried about trip, the last few days he's been... off."

"He just lost his wife Hoshi." Captain Archer frowns. "Of course he's off."

"I mean he seems worse." Hoshi says. "The last three nights I've woken up to get Elizabeth something and he's been gone."

"Gone?" Captain Archer asks.

"Gone, not in the room. Last night I got really worried and went looking for him, he was in the mess hall with Lieutenant Brody." Hoshi says. "I don't think he's been eating very much either."

"And you think talking to his mother will do what?" Captain Archer asks.

"I'm hoping she can help him in someway that I can't." Hoshi says. "I can only do so much, but she's family. Just let me try. All I need is your permission to bring them up to Enterprise if they agree." Captain Archer sighs, possibly sensing that she's not going to let up on this request. "When in the last five years have I ever asked for anything?" She points out.

"Never." Captain Archer says.

"Exactly, please just let me have this, let me try to get someone who can help him." Hoshi pushes.

"Alright, alright." Captain Archer puts his hands up in surrender. "You can call Elaine and ask her to come up, but I don't think she'll agree."

"Thank you sir, thank you so much." Hoshi says, standing up and reaching for Elizabeht.

"Just one thing Hoshi," Captain Archer sighs.

"Sir?"

"Don't be too disappointed if they don't agree. I wouldn't expect them too."

That night Trip is at dinner with the captain and Hoshi makes a point to get back early, she puts Elizabeth in her play pen and sits down in front of the computer. She'd gotten the frequency for Trip's family from the captain earlier and had finally carved out the time to call. She wasn't sure how long she had until Trip returned from dinner (assuming he decided to tonight) so she decided it was best to get down to buisness.

The woman who answers is exactly like how she expected Trip's mother to be, wearing a flower print dress, blonde curly hair and Trip's blue eyes. "Hello, are you Elaine tucker?" Hoshi asks.

"Yeah," The woman's accent is thicker then Trip's and has an almost false sweetness to it.

"My name is Hoshi Sato, I'm a friend of Trip's from Enterprise." Hoshi explains. "I was wondering if I could ask you something?"

"What do you need?" Mrs. Tucker purses her lips as though she already doesn't like where the conversation is going.

"I just wanted to ask if you and Mr. Tucker would be avaliable tomorrow?" Hoshi asks.

"Tomorrow?" Mrs. Tucker frowns. "Why?"

"Well, as I'm sure you've heard there was an accident a couple of weeks ago..." Hoshi says gently. "Trip's wife, T'Pol died."

"I heard." Mrs. Tucker doesn't sound the least bit sorry about this. "What does this have to do with my husband and I?"

"Um," Hoshi says, slightly shocked at the tone Elaine has taken. "Well, Trip is your son and Elizabeth is your granddaughther. They're both really struggling right now, I thought it might help Trip if you and his father came up to talk to him. I can have Travis come pick you up in a shuttle pod tomorrow, and you can have dinner with Trip and Elizabeth, take a tour of the ship, talk to your son. It's been a while since you've seen him."

"I don't think we'll be doing that." Mrs. Tucker says coldly.

"Why not?" Hoshi asks. "I know you didn't really like T'Pol but Trip and Elizabeth are still family and they're -"

"Listen here missy." Mrs. Tucker says firmly. "It isn't just T'Pol we didn't like. We don't approve of the unnatural relationship our son has chosen to partake in."

"Unnatural?" Hoshi blinks. "Well she -"

"I'm not through." Mrs. Tucker snaps. "Furthermore that baby is just further evidence that humans and Vulcans shouldn't have relations, she's sick all the time and seems to cause more worry then she's worth."

"Excuse me?" Hoshi snaps. "Elizabeth is an innocent child, she didn't do anything wrong."

"Her very existance is wrong." Elaine snaps.

"You know you sound a lot like Paxton right now." Hoshi snaps. "He's the reason she's sick in the first place, did you know he messed her up on purpose? So he could make a point?"

"We wont' becoming near that ship." Elaine says firmly. "If our son wants to see us he can come himself but I won't be showing up and approving of his daughter." Elaine reaches out and cuts off the transmition, leaving Hoshi staring at the screen in stunned silence.

She can't believe what she's just heard, how could anyone think that of their own flesh and blood? She looks back at baby Elizabeth, playing quietly in the play pen with her blocks, she's innocent and sweet, a child no different then Trip's nieces. "How can anyone think that about you huh baby girl?" Hoshi whispers,

"Think what?" She looks up at the door way to see Trip standing there, leaning on his crutches and watching Elizabeth too.

"Nothing." Hoshi mutters, she doesn't want him to know what his family said, even if he has already heard it all before. "Do you want to give her a bath tonight?"

"No," Trip shakes his head, going over to his cot and laying down.

"Okay." HOshi says, frowning a little bit. "You okay?"

"I have the briefing tomorrow." Trip mutters.

"Briefing?"

"The one about what happened on Eckankar." Trip sighs, looking over at her. "I-I have to go tell a bunch'a admirals who don't know what it's really like what happened."

Hoshi had completely forgot about the briefing at Starfleet Head Quarters tomorrow. She'd been told she wouldn't be needed and had been hoping to be able to get Trip's family up to surprise him.

"Oh, right." Hoshi says. "You gonna make it?"

"No." Trip mutters. "Probably not, none of them know what it's like."

"Know what what's like?" Hoshi asks.

"Being out here. Where it's really dangerous." He says. "They'll want to know what happened. tell us what we could've done differently but it doesn't matter. They don't know how it's done. They know what's on paper, what the handbook says, they don't know how useless that handbook is."

"Trip," Hoshi frowns. "I really don't think there will be any trouble, you lost your wife, they're gonna be understanding."

"Yeah Starfleet will." Trip mumbles. "But I gotta talk to the High Command too and the last thing I need is a bunch'a Vulcans telling me what I did wrong."

"Even the High Command won't blame you." Hoshi insists. "They're Vulcans,"

"Exactly." Trip mutters.

"Trip, my point is that they know better then Starfleet will what having that sort of a bond with someone is like. They're not going to blame you for any of it." Hoshi explains, lifting Elizabeth out of the play pen and setting her on her hip.

"They can and they will. They blamed us for the Selya remember?" Trip points out.

"That's different." Hoshi says. "That was a ship of Vulcans they thought we'd abandoned, this is a personal loss."

"Whatever you say." Trip mutters, rolling over to face the wall.

Hoshi shakes her head worriedly and turns into the bathroom to give Elizabeth her bath, as she shuts the door the baby girl whimpers. "It's okay baby, daddy's just upset right now. He'll be okay soon."

If only she believed it herself.

That night when Hoshi wakes to give Elizabeth her 3 am feed she's immediately thrown into a panic by the empty play pen.

"Elizabeth?!" She calls as though expecting the six month old to answer, she scrambles for the lights and turns back to the play pen. Still very much empty. Could Elizabeth have crawled out? She seems too young for that and hasn't shown any interest in crawling, though Hoshi has heard how Vulcan children can go from not talking to being able to hold full conversation, were they the same for walking? Could she have just gotten up and left?

"Trip?" Hoshi hisses, spotting his form in the cot, he doesn't appear to be asleep. "Trip, where's Elizabeth?"

"Right here." Trip frowns, rolling onto his back, Elizabeth is on the cot next to him snoozing away. "Why?'

"You nearly gave me a heart attack that's why." Hoshi says, sitting back on the edge of her bed. "I thought she'd wandered off."

"Wandered off?" Trip raises his eyebrows.

"Oh shut up," She grumbles. "I'm new at this remember. She okay?"

"Just fine." Trip mutters. "Sleepin' nice and sound, had a bottle an hour ago."

"Okay." Hoshi nods. "Do you want to keep her with you?"

"Yeah sure," Trip nods, he's quiet a moment. "She looks just like her Momma when she sleeps."

"Does she?" Hoshi asks. "I always thought she looked like you

"Yeah, has the same little frown." Trip mutters sadly. "LIke she's worried about somethin'. Babies shouldn't be worried."

"No they shouldn't." Hoshi says quietly, but privately she thinks maybe Elizabeth is just as worried about Trip as she is but in her own way."


	14. Forever Seemed Longer

**Okay so this took forever and week. Sorry about that but the entire fic is now done. It's got 3 more chapters after this one and then in April for Camp NaNoWriMo I start writing the next installment!**

* * *

Chapter 14

Forever seems longer when you've got your whole life

"Sleepless in Seattle" by The Strive

* * *

The next morning feels more like a walk to his death then it does the trip to a morning briefing. Trip hadn't slept much at all the night before and had been turning what he'd have to say over in his mind. Captain Archer had given the group, (consisting of Marie, Malcolm, the captain and himself) a talk about what to expect. They're to stick to the topic, and Captain Archer promised to try to get Trip out of the briefing as fast as he could. Still Trip can't help but feel trapped as they walk down the long hall to the SCIF.

When they arrive the Vulcan High Command and Starfleet Admirals are already seated. Trip takes a seat next to Malcolm at the end of the row of seats.

"Good morning gentleman, and ma'am." Admiral Gardener says. "You are aware that you're here to brief us on the events that took place on Eckankar?"

"Yes Admiral." Captain Archer nods. "Will the Andorians and Tellerites be joining us?"

"Yes, they will, they're running late." Trip can sense the unspoken 'as usual' in Soval's voice. "Commander Tucker," The Vulcan says. "How are you and Elizabeth fairing?"

"Lizzie's alright, shaken up pretty bad... I-I didn't think a baby would be affected like she is." Trip mutters.

"Vulcan children are extremely sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of the parents through a psychological bond, it's how they communicate their needs, to lose that bond is very painful." Soval explains. "You have the condolences of the entire High Command for your loss."

"Are we ever going to get started?" A harsh Tellarite voice spits as the tellarite diplomats cross the room and take their seats, followed at a distance by the Andorians.

"We were waiting on you." Ambassador Gardner says, "If you're ready we can get started."

"We're ready, you were all early!" The Tellarite ambassador spits.

"Trip why don't you start?" Captain Archer interjects. "You and Malcolm were there."

"Yes sir." Trip mutters.

"Well stand up then Commander! We haven't got all day!" The Tellarite spits, earning himself a look from Admiral Gardner.

Trip stands up, balancing the crutches carefully and takes a shaky breath. "We'd entered orbit around Eckankar that afternoon, the emperor told us that they were having some trouble with rival political groups." He starts. "We were told that the Captial was perfectly safe, that the rebels hadnt been able to infiltrate it, we didn't know that it was a full blown war yet."

"And at what point did you find this out?" Admiral Gardner asks. "Why did you do more research before sending an away team Jonathan?"

"We'd been assured they were just small pockets of radicals in the countryside." Captain Archer says. "I didn't think there was any reason to wait and find out more, I thought it was fairly straightforward."

"Well it obviously wasn't." Admiral Gardner says

"What's done is done Admiral, as the Tellarites have pointed out we don't have all day." Ambassador Soval says coolly. "Continue Commander."

Trip looks at Captain Archer, who nods, and continues; "Malcolm, T'Pol and myself were selected to go on the away team, we met with the emperor, he was interested in the coalition."

"And the attack happened as you were leaving correct?" Admiral Gardner says.

"Y-yes sir." Trip nods, a lump forming in his throat. "M-Malcolm and I were ahead of T-T'Pol..." He stops for a moment, trying to get ent a handle on himself but as he begins to attempt to form the words to continue tears well up in his eyes. "C-can I-" he looks over at Captain Archer.

"Commander," Admiral Gardner says firmly. "Get ahold of yourself."

"Admiral," Ambassador Soval says, "Let it go. You don't know what that it is like to loose a mate."

"I don't know if you've noticed Ambassador but Commander Tucker is human." Admiral Gardner says. "It isn't the same. I understand 'it's upsetting but we need to be able to understand him."

"If it's alright," Malcolm says, standing up. "I can continue, I was there as well."

"I think that's a better idea." Captain Archer says. "Permission to dismiss the commander Admiral?"

"Granted. I'm sorry for your loss Commander." Admiral Gardner says.

Trip turns and leaves the room as fast as he can on his crutches. He goes into the bathroom and leans against the sink, washing cold water over his face, he's shaking and tears are streaming down his face and he can't get the image of T'Pol out of his head, turned around to scan a few flowers, not knowing it was the last few seconds of her life

* * *

After Trip leaves there's a few moments of quiet in the SCIF before Malcolm stands up and clears a his throat to go on. Jon only half listens to what his armory officer is saying, instead his gaze is fixed on Ambassador Soval. The Vulcans had been surprisingly sympathetic, given their reaction to what had happened on the Selaya, Jon didn't expect it, he'd have expected more judgement from them then Starfleet. That didn't seem to be the case, Admiral Gardner still seemed disappointed in him for not doing a more througho job of checking the situation on Eckankar.

"Jon?" Gardner says, pulling Jon out of his thoughts.

"Yes sir?" Jon says, standing up.

"If no body was recovered how are you sure of the fact that T'Pol is dead?" Gardner asks, though it's a fairly routine question Jon can't help but feel it's a bit of a dig at his competency.

"Admiral," Soval says before Jon can start to explain. "Commander Tucker would know if his wife was alive."

"It's a routine question Soval, we need to make sure we cover all our bases." Admiral Gardner says stiffly.

"I understand sir." Jon nods, "You mean aside from the soul crushing screaming from her daughter? We detcted an explosion on the surface, Lieutenant Mikhail was working at the science station, he lost Tpols biosign within seconds of the explosion. Becuase of the nature of the events on the surface I gave an order to pull Commander Tucker and Lieutenant Reed out of Eckankar using the transporter, Lieutenant Reed was left with a broken arm and Commander Tucker's leg was badly broken, it had to be pieced back together surgically with wires."

"How were you able to determine for certain that Commander T'Pol was dead?" Gardner asks.

"By looking at the logs again, her biosign was within a foot of where the explosion occurred, there would be nothing left to look for." Jon says grimly, fighting back the tears threatening to appear in his eyes.

"What are we going to do about Eckankar? Did they give any sort of apology?" Admiral Gardner says.

"If I may sir," Lieutenant Lathom says standing up.

"You're with Starfleet Investigations?" The admiral asks

"Yes sir, I was assigned to the armory after the events with Terra Prime." She explains. "I've spent the last several months looking into how Starfleet secures all its data, trying to determine how Paxton got hold of Commanders Tucker and T'Pol's DNA. After the events on Eckankar I looked into what happened. It would seem that the Eckankarans legitimately had no idea that there was danger of an attack on the square on the evening of May 14, 2156, they had every reason to believe it was safe and they did issue an apology to the Coalition."

"Starfleet Investigations has no reason to believe this was an act of war?" The Tellarite ambassador asks.

"No sir," Lieutenant Lathom says. "We believe it was an unfortunate mistake that has left lasting physical and psychological wounds on those involved but we don't believe it's worth going to war over, especially with the Romulan threat still looming over our heads."

"Well gentleman," Admiral Gardner says looking over at the ambassadors. "We'll have to take all of this into consideration,Jon your crew is dismissed but I'd like to have a word with you."

"Yes sir." Jon nods. "Malcolm, go find Trip and take him back to the shuttle pod, I'll meet you back there as soon as I can." Jon says.

"Aye sir." Malcolm nods, exiting the room followed by Marie.

"What do you need Admiral?" Jon asks.

"I've put together a list of first officer candidates," Admiral Gardner says, holding out a PADD for Jon to take. Jon looks down on it, there's a list of around a dozen names and files.

"With all due respect sir I'd like to take the time to do this right." Jon explains.

"We don't have that kind of time Jon." Admiral Gardner says. "I want Enterprise to be fully manned and back out there in the next week."

"The next week? Sir, our crew has suffered a loss, they need some time." Jon says stiffly.

"You heard what Lieutenant Lathom said about the Romulan threat," Admiral Gardner says. "We only have two NX class ships until Challenger ships out next month, we don't have the luxury of taking time to lick our wounds. I want your first officer selection by the end of the week and I want Enterprise back out there by next week. Understood?"

"Understood," Jon says stiffly.

"Good, dismissed." Admiral Gardner says.

Jon turns on his heel and walks out of the room, doing his best to keep his anger towards the Admiral's lack of understanding to himself.

"What did he need?" Lieutenant Lathom asks.

"First officer candidates." Jon says holding up the PADD. "The admiral wants Enterprise back out there by the start of next week"

"Next week?" Lieutenant Lathoms says as she falls into step next to him. "That's really soon."

"It's the admiral's orders and we have to follow them." Jon says. "Even if we don't like them."

* * *

After lunch Hoshi lays Elizabeth down for a nap in her cot and sits down to call her sister.

"Hoshi!" Her sister grins as she answers the call. "How are you? I heard Enterprise was back at Earth, can you come visit?"

"Hi Keoko," Hoshi smiles. "Um, yeah we're back at Earth, but I don't think I can come visit this time."

"Why not? You never stop to see us now a days?" Keoko frowns.

"Well, we're not really back for a good reason Keoko. Did you hear about our first officer?" Hoshi asks, she knows Keoko has never much cared to follow the goings on of the Enterprise mission.

"Yeah, it was on the news. Was she your friend?" Keoko asks

"Um. Yes T'Pol was a friend of mine…" Hoshi nods.

"I'm sorry Hoshi, she had a baby didn't she?"Her sister frowns.

"Yeah she did, and that's actually why I can't leave. Her husband Commander Tucker -"

"You meant he Commander Tucker who you-" Keoko stops as Hoshi gives her a 'now is not the time' look. "The um, the one from Florida?"

"Yeah, well I'm, he's a good friend and I'm really worried about him, he doesn't sleep and he hardly eats. I don't feel like it's a good idea for him to be left with Elizabeth right now so I can't come visit." Hoshi explains shakily.

"Oh, you're taking care of the baby?" Keoko frowns.

"Yes and I don't know anything about infants Keoko," Hoshi sighs putting her face in her hands. "And I-I'm so worried about Trip but I don't know if I can do anything. I mean h-how do you help with that?"

"Hoshi," Keoko says gently, "How are you doing?"

"I–I don't know." Hoshi admits. "I'm not her mother, I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm so over whelmed between worrying about Trip and trying to help Elizabeth."

"Hoshi," Keoko says, "Don't worry about Elizabeth so much, her mother didn't know what she was doing either, that's what having a kid is like. As for Commander Tucker… is he in counseling? Or off duty?"

"Both," Hoshi sniffles. "But I don't know how I can help him because he seems to be slipping further and further away but at the same time I'm not sure if it's more important to help him or help Elizabeth."

Keoko frowns. "Hoshi, I don't know what it's like to see a friend struggle like that but I do know what it's like to have a baby and it's not something anyone just decides to do one day. Maybe she should go stay with grandparents?"

"She can't she- she's really sick, leaving the ship for any length of time would probably kill her." Hoshi explains.

"Can Trip take care of her?" Keoko suggests.

"Trip can't take care of himself." Hoshi sighs.

"Hoshi," Keoko says firmly. "In order to take care of either of them you have to take care of yourself. Are you getting counseling?"

Hoshi nods. "Weekly, everyone on the ship is getting at least a month mandatory."

"Good, make sure you're being honest with them and if you need to you can always call me." Keoko smiles.

"Thank you, you really had no idea what you were doing when you had Mikio?" Hoshi asks.

"Not a clue, but he's fine." Keoko says. "And you're not her mother, you're just a friend helping out until Commander Tucker gets back on his feet."

"I know, I'm just worried about them both…" Hoshi sighs. "I should get going, the away team will be back soon."

"Okay, call me if you need to talk about anything. Okay?" Keoko smiles.

"Okay. Bye Keoko." Hoshi reaches out and turns off the comm signal and leans back in hero chair. She hears the door slide open and does her best To pull herself together before turning around. "How did it go?"

Trip shrugs, his eyes are puffy from crying. "Got about a third of the way through. Not bad I think."

"Okay," Hoshi says. "Would you like some tea?"

"No." Trip lays down on his cot, watching Elizabeth through the mesh of the play pen. Hoshi gets up and has started to make a cup of tea when he speaks again. "I miss her Hoshi."

"I know," Hoshi whispers, trying not to let her own sadness creep into her voice.


	15. Pacific Blues

**Okay so this is a few days late because I left Friday afternoon and didn't get back until Sunday and on Friday I only had time to update one fic and more people ready SWMTR so that's what got updated. This friday however I fully intend to update both fics on time.**

 **\- Galia**

* * *

Chapter 15

 _God knows that I know we're little boats in the great big sea_

 _Setting sail after sail in the hopes of finding a breeze_

 _Every compass I have followed I have trusted and denied_

 _So it goes with an ever-changing definition of right_

 _Is it the treatment of symptoms or a touch of divine?_  
 _I guess the truth is that the truth is of complex design_

 _-"Pacific Blues" by Sleeping At Last_

* * *

After spending most of the night looking at the new first officer candidates Jon is back on Earth's surface, bright and early. He's narrowed it down to three that he likes but that doesn't make it any easier. As he goes past the Vulcan compound towards Starfleet Headquarters he pauses, maybe he should've asked Soval to send someone else. Or would that feel even more like replacing T'Pol?

Tonight is definitely a night he's going to need to call Erika, he's resisted the last several days, not wanting to bother her, but he needs to talk to someone who understands and Erika is as close as he's going to get. Still, he tries to remind himself that she has a crew of her own to look after.

He walks into the meeting room that Admiral Gardner has set up for him to use in interviews today. It's fairly plain, the United Earth and Coalition flags are set up against one wall and a desk is opposite them. Large windows overlooking the bay allow for plenty of natural light to come in so he doesn't even bother to turn on the lights. Jon settles himself into the chair behind the desk and sighs, he knows he can't let the decision of who will be his next first officer be affected by how he currently feels towards Admiral Gardner.

There's a knock on the door. "Come in," He says, turning to give his full attention to the person.

"Hello Captain." The woman says, her dark hair is pulled back tightly in a ponytail and her eyes glow with excitement -and in experience, Jon reminds himself.

"Morning Commander, you're Commander Reynolds right?" He asks, the woman looks quite a bit younger than he'd expected.

"Yes sir, Commander Lauren Reynolds." She nods

"And it says her you have a degrees in mathematics and science?" He asks, looking down at the PADD in his hand.

"Yes sir, a Masters in calculus and a doctorate in Physics." She nods.

"You've been with Starfleet how long?" He asks.

"12 years now, I worked on my doctorate once SCT was over." She explains.

"12 years is not a very long time," Jon says. "How long have you held the rank of COmmander?" He asks.

"Nearly a week now sir," She smiles.

"Oh, that's um, that's not a very long time. Do you have any sort of Command experience?" He asks.

"I worked on a Daedalus class ship for five years." She explains.

"How long ago was that?" He asks, looking over her file, it can't have been recent as it's not mentioned within the last five years.

"7 years ago, I got the assignment right out of STC." Commander Reynolds explains. "Then I took maternity leave."

"Maternity leave?" Oh boy.

"Yes sir, I had my daughter, she's a lovely girl, lives with her father on the Orpheus colony most of the time due to my work, but she's the light of my life." She explains.

By default Jon didn't really care for anyone who had such personal ties to the place where Elizabeth had been born, and even now Orpheus was a hot-bed of xenophobic activity. Its another half an hour before he is able to excuse the Commander, and by the time he does he's thoroughly unimpressed, her husband had been directly involved with Terra Prime, there was no way in hell he was letting her anywhere near his ship.

The next guy isn't even a Commander yet, he's a Lieutenant and Jon had been fairly certain he wasn't the right guy for the job going in, but he had experience on active vessels. Once more this was further confirmed when he was shown to have degrees in French, not science. He tells him straight out he's not looking for a Comm officer he's looking for a Science Officer and dismisses him quickly.

When the final candidate walks in Jon finds himself bracing for a conversation with the Admiral about how he doesn't want anyone he's chosen for Jon.

"You're Commander Debroux?" Jon asks.

"Yes sir." The woman's quiet way of speaking doesn't give him much hope.

"And you studied-"

"Astrophysics and Xenobiology at the University of Paris." She nods.

At least she has a science background.

"And you have served on a ship before?" He asks. "It says here you served on three Daedalus class vessels and a Vulcan ship."

"Yes sir, I worked in the science department on all of them, short term missions only." She explains. "This would be my first long term mission."

"Okay," Jon says, "And Captain Hernandez considered you yes?"

"Yes sir, she did."Commander Debroux nods.

"And you don't have any connections to Terra Prime?" He asks.

"No sir." She says. "I joined Starfleet to do some exploring, not stay confined to Earth like Terra Prime would have us all."

"Good," Jon says, at least he doesn't have to turn this one down for connections to a terrorist sect. "Well, I'll let you know when I've made the decision, have a nice day Commander."

"And you sir." The woman stands and leaves the room.

Jon sighs and looks at the three PADDs again, it doesn't look like he's made a decision it looks like it was made for him. Commander Debroux is the obvious choice of the three, no connection to terrorist sects, holds the proper qualifications and seems nice enough. He's not really looking for nice though, he's looking for a good first officer.  
He stands up and collects the PADDs, he'll notify the Admiral right away, he wants to get back to Enterprise and call Erika. He knocks on the office door.

"Come in," Admiral Gardner calls. "Jon, a pleasant surprise. Have you made your decision already?"

"It was made for me." He growls. "Everyone you gave me didn't have the proper qualifications or enough experience. Of the three I liked enough to interview one has connections to Terra Prime and the other is an inexperienced kid. If you wanted Commander Debroux to be my first officer you should've just assigned her to my ship."

"Have you notified her of your decision?" Admiral Gardner asks.

"Not yet, I'll do that when I get back to Enterprise." Jon growls.

"Back to Enterprise? Why not stay on the surface a few days? It's been years since you've been here properly." The Admiral says.

"With all due respect her Enterprise needs her Captain right now." Jon says.

"Permission to be dismissed."

"Granted." Gardner says dismissively.

Jon knows he's irritated the Admiral but that doesn't bother him like it should. After the way the Admiral had been acting at the briefing yesterday Jon was glad it was his turn to be irritating.

* * *

That night Hoshi wakes up to the loud beeping of the Comm in her room. She turns on the light and the first thing she notices is that Trip's crutches are gone and he's not in bed, She quickly reaches for the button.

"Trip?" She asks, hoping it's him.

"Sorry to disappoint," LIeutenant Lathom's voice says from the other end. "But no. I do have Trip though and I think maybe you should come get him."

"Is something wrong?" HOshi asks, looking around for her shoes.

"Um... kind of?" Lieutenant Lathom says.

"Kind of?"

"He's pretty upset." She says.

"O-okay." Hoshi sighs, pulling on her slippers. "I'll be there in two minutes." She turns off the com and presses the button for the door, just as she's leaving she hears a cooing sound. Dammit. How could she have forgotten about Elizabeth? "Okay baby girl," Hoshi says, gently lifting the sleeping 11 month old from the crib. "We're gonna go get daddy okay?" Elizabeth opens her big blue eyes, blinks and pouts, at least she's not screaming.

Hoshi makes her way to the mess hall as quickly as she can and is unsurprised to see Trip at a table in the corner, crying and upset.

"Trip?" She says, handing Elizabeth to Lieutenant Lathom and sitting in the seat next to Trip. "You okay?"

"I-I can't stop seeing it Hoshi." Trip cries. "I-I can't stop seeing her, turned around to look at those flowers before she - she" He dissolves into sobs before he can finish what he wanted to say, but Hoshi already knows.

"Come on," Hoshi says, handing him his crutches. "Come back to my quarters,"

"No! No!" Trip insists. "I-I don't want to."

"Why?" Hoshi sighs.

"I need to be alone Hoshi." He insists. "I'll go to my own."

Hoshi chews her lip, she really feels like this is a bad idea, but she can't exactly tell him that. "Well, alright, just let me help you get there."

"No." Trip says, reaching for his crutches. "I-I can do it on my own."

From Lieutenant Lathom's arms Elizabeth starts to whimper and reach for Hoshi. Hoshi will have to choose, follow him and try to convince him otherwise or stay back with Elizabeth. Trip is an adult, she reminds herself, he can make his own decisions and Elizabeth can't.

She turns and takes Elizabeth from LIeutenant Lathom, watching Trip limp his way out of the mess hall.

"How long has he been like this?" Hoshi asks.

"I was here when he got here, about two hours ago. We sat around talking for a while, about our families mostly and - and then I mentioned my fiancé and I were planning a wedding for next year…" She says.

"That's it?" Hoshi frowns.

"No," Lieutenant Lathom says. "He brought up that while he considered him and T'Pol to be married they weren't, and we started talking about his family and how they felt about T'Pol and then from there it just kind of… spiraled."

Hoshi rocks Elizabeth gently on her hip and sighs. "That's… weird even for him. Lack of sleep is probably not helping, not to mention that I've hardly seen him eat in the last couple of days."

"Maybe you should mention it to Phlox?" Lieutenant Lathom suggests.

"Maybe…" Hoshi says. "I need to get Elizabeth back to bed, thanks for calling. I'll talk to him in the morning, maybe he'll be thinking clearer then."

Hoshi exits the mess hall and starts towards her quarters, Elizabeth has been whimpering quietly the entire time, she's probably hungry. Once back in the quarters Hoshi distractedly makes Elizabeth a bottle of milk, turning what Trip had said over and over in her mind. Was it a good thing he'd wanted to be alone? Maybe he really did need the space to work through some of this on his own.

She puts the bottle to Elizabeth's mouth and watches her start eating hungrily. Trip hadn't even noticed she was there, he'd never failed to notice his daughter before. Hoshi watches as Elizabeth finishes the bottle, singing quietly in Japanese all the while, the poor baby just needs to be loved.


End file.
